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Band 5

Some people think that it is the best to save money, for exemple in a bank or savings scheme. Other people feel that money should be spent whenever it is available. Discuss these views and reach on opinion on this debate

#people #money #exemple #bank #savings #scheme #debate
According to
 some individuals,
money
 should be saved in the bank or other
savings
 scheme,
while
 others believe that
money
 should be spent when it is available. I personally believe that
although
people
 generally love to spend
money
 when it is available to them, saving
money
 in the bank or
saving
Replace the word
savings
show examples
 schemes is necessary.
People
 prefer saving
money
 in the bank or
savings
 scheme because it ensures them a sense of security about their
future
.
Money
 is an
intrgral
Correct your spelling
integral
 part of our life and it is essential to meet our daily needs. If we can save a certain amount of
money
 every month, we can spend it when we
need
Correct pronoun usage
need it
show examples
.
For example
, if someone suddenly
loss
Replace the word
loses
show examples
 his job, he can survive with his
savings
 for a certain period of time, until he finds out his next job.
Therefore
, I believe that saving
money
 is a good choice, and everyone should practice it.
In contrast
, some
people
 like to spend
money
 whenever they have it because they believe in leading a luxurious life than saving for the
future
. Spending
money
 just after
recieving
Correct your spelling
receiving
salary
Correct article usage
a salary
show examples
, or buying unnecessary products provides some
sorts
Fix the agreement mistake
sort
show examples
 of pleasure temporarily, but in the long
run
Add a comma
run,
show examples
 it ruins our
future
. When bad times come in the lives of
people
, they become helpless because they do not have any
savings
, and they have to
lend
Verb problem
borrow
show examples
money
 from others.
For instance
,
people
 in the UK mostly spend their monthly salary on unnecessary products, and when they really require
money
, their hands go empty.
Therefore
, I think
money
 should not
be spend
Change the verb form
be spent
show examples
 only because it is available on hand. In conclusion,
although
 spending
money
 provides a sense of pleasure for a short period of time,
money
 should be saved for the
future
 because it gives us security at that time.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Grammar
Try to minimize minor grammatical errors and typos such as 'recieve' instead of 'receive'.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance your use of linking words to further improve the coherence of the essay. Words like 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', and 'Hence' can be helpful.
Task Achievement
Include more varied and specific examples to better illustrate your points.
Grammar
Be careful with spelling mistakes such as 'intrgral' instead of 'integral'. Proofread your work to maintain accuracy.
Structure
Clear and concise introduction and conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-structured paragraphs that support the main points effectively.
Task Achievement
The essay fully addresses the task with a balanced discussion of both viewpoints.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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