IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

You started in your present job two years ago. You now feel it is important for your career development to move to a different department in the same company. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter • say what you have learned in your present job • suggest how the company would benefit from moving you to a different department • explain why you do not wish to leave the company

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Dear Mr Smith, Hope you are well. I am writing
this
Linking Words
 letter to inform you I would like to transfer to the
pastry
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 team because I know that the company is recruiting
pastry
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 chefs.
Firstly
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, I have been working as a commis
chef
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 in the grilled section for two years. I want to get more different skills and get a higher salary. I finished the professional patisserie course. I am interested in making sweeties and creating new decorations for desserts and cakes. I believed I could become a quality
pastry
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chef
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. I have a couple of years of
chef
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 experience and I know the whole team members in here.
Also
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, I graduated at the top of my class in the
pastry
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chef
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 course. I can assist the head
pastry
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chef
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 in making personalized orders
such
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 as cartoon 3D cakes, wedding cakes, or cookies.
Furthermore
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, I have great computer skills, so I could help them to do the paperwork. I am looking forward to your response. Yours sincerely, Mary Lane

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task achievement
To further enhance the letter, you can provide more specific examples of the skills you have learned in your current role and explicitly mention how those skills will be transferrable and beneficial in the new role.
coherence cohesion
Consider organizing the second paragraph into two separate ones: one focusing on the skills learned and another on how those skills apply to the new position. This will improve clarity and readability.
greeting and closing
The opening and closing of the letter are courteous and professional, which is excellent for maintaining a formal tone.
single idea per paragraph
Each paragraph focuses on a single idea, making the letter easier to follow and understand.
task achievement
The letter provides a complete response to the prompt by addressing all three required points: what you have learned, how the company would benefit, and why you do not wish to leave.
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