IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart show percentages of water using different sectors on Sydney,Australia in 1997 and 2007.

The chart show percentages of water using different sectors on Sydney,Australia in 1997 and 2007.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie charts compare the average of
water
Use synonyms
 used in several segments in Sydney, Australia in terms of five important categories in 1997 and 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 Australian people spent the largest proportion of their budget on just two categories, namely
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
, and manufacturing in 1997.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the sector on household was a gradual increase to 3% from 19% in 2007.
However
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
13% of total
water
Use synonyms
 was used
to
Change preposition
in to
show examples
 service
industry
Use synonyms
 in 1997
then
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 indicator increased rapidly to 12% in 2007. The highest number experienced in the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
food
Add an article
the food
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
 which represented 48% of the total
water
Use synonyms
 used in 1997,
while
Linking Words
 in 2007, the figure for
this
Linking Words
 sector was only 41%.
Australian
Correct article usage
The Australian
show examples
 population used the greatest amount of
water
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the service
industry
Use synonyms
. In terms of manufacturing the percentages of
water
Use synonyms
 for both years were relatively similar, at 15% for 1997 and 11% for 2007. In both sectors, the smallest proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 was used
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
building
Add an article
the building
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
. In 1997,
this
Linking Words
 accounted for 5% of the total
water
Use synonyms
 use,
while
Linking Words
 in 2007, the number of
water
Use synonyms
 usage was just 2%

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words water, industry with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: