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Writing Samples
Band 5

The pie charts below describe the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts below describe the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#sales #sectors #zealand #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The pie charts Compare four categories of shopping seals between the years 2003 and 2013 in New Zealand.
Overall
Linking Words
, as can be seen,
highest
Add an article
the highest
show examples
 number of people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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love travelled seals shopping.
while
Linking Words
 fewer people
were buy
Change the verb form
were buying
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 clothes .
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 film and books were nearly the same
percentage
Change the noun form
percentages
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 in two years.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 in 2003, most of the people
prefer
Wrong verb form
preferred
show examples
 shopping by
travelled
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 it was around 36%.
In addition
Linking Words
, cloth type was a significant point
than
Change preposition
in
show examples
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 2013, had a third personage of spending .
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 music and books had nearly the same figure from 19 to 21% of seals .
On the other hand
Linking Words
, In 2003, film and music had a bigger shift than before around nearly 33%.
Linking Words
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
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 travel and book had
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar patterns from 29% to 22% of online shopping .
While
Linking Words
 a fewer peoples
were prefer
Change the verb form
were preferred
show examples
 buy cloth around a fifth personage.
Submitted by almay on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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