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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Leaders and directors in an organization are normally old people. Some people think YOUNG leaders should be better. Do you agree or disagree?

#leaders #directors #organization #people
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Some people believe young
leaders
Use synonyms
 should be better. Others suppose that young
leaders
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 aren’t good enough. It is widely agreed that
leaders
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 and directors
don’t
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 completely depend on their ages. There are some reasons that I truly consider better
leaders
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don’t
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 rely on
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
: old
leaders
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 have more
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
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, and young
leaders
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 have many
opportunities
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. Let me start by analyzing the first factor: old
leaders
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 have more experience. With old
leaders
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, they have a long lifetime.
Consequently
Linking Words
, young
leaders
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’s experiences
don’t
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 as much as old
leaders
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 in many circumstances. Let me give you an example about my teacher, she has 20 years at work.
As a result
Linking Words
, my teacher leads my class with more discipline and always obeys the rules. It would be a pity if we
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don’t
Wrong verb form
didn’t
show examples
 consider the fact that young
leaders
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 have many
opportunities
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. As we
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
know, if old directors have something wrong in their career, they can be left out easily and
don’t
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 have many chances.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, if young
leaders
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 are dismissed. they can take more
opportunities
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 because they have enough health and
also
Linking Words
 a long life.
For instance
Linking Words
, my aunt
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is a leader of the marketing department, but she has made some mistakes in her job.
Therefore
Linking Words
, she was fired, but she made a decision to have a new job
instead
Linking Words
 of retiring because she is young and has good health. From all
matters
Correct article usage
the matters
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 discussed above, I want to point out that a really good leader doesn't truly depend on their
ages
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age
show examples
. Because old
leaders
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 have a lot of experience and young
leaders
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 have
opportunities
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 easily.
Submitted by ngocthuykatie on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your main argument and that it transitions smoothly from one idea to the next.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider structuring your essay with clearer topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Clarify your stance early in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Develop each point more fully to justify your position thoroughly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which frames the argument effectively.
Task Achievement
You provided specific examples which help to illustrate your arguments about leadership and age.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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