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Band 5

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50persent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extend do you agree?

#positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percentage #women
Nowadays, many
companies
allocated
Wrong verb form
allocate
show examples
 higher positions for
men
 only, despite the fact that
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 in many modern countries is more than 50
persent
Correct your spelling
per cent
 female.
Therefore
,
companies
 should distribute a
fare
Correct your spelling
fair
show examples
amount
 of
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of positions to
women
 and I eagerly agree with
this
 statement. In
this
 competitive world,
women
 are
out performing
Correct your spelling
outperforming
show examples
men
; in terms of education.
For example
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
research from
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Canada,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
showed that
women
 established a good
amount
 of
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 than
men
 and
out performed
Correct your spelling
outperformed
show examples
 in Computer Science Engineering (CSE).
Moreover
,
men
were
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 dominated by
women
 in every professional
sectors
Change to a singular noun
sector
show examples
 in recent years, because
women
 are more productive than
men
 and much more careful at
work
,
besides
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
work
 precisely
while
men
 are doing less at
work
 and education.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
companies
 should not focus
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 gender they should focus on skills as well, only skilled people can help a company to grow up
rahter
Correct your spelling
rather
 than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unskilled
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
In these
Change preposition
These
show examples
 days,
women
 are
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 skilled as
men
. So
companies
 should not recognize
women
 as a gender object,
women
 should
be consider
Change the verb form
be considered
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as
men
.
Hence
, to provide quality and productivity with creativity
companies
 should allocate a good
amount
 of
vacancy
Fix the agreement mistake
vacancies
show examples
 for
women
. In conclusion, to balance
a
Change the article
an
show examples
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 system for a country,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should make regulations about female rights in
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 field which will bring
balance
Add an article
a balance
the balance
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 between
men
 and
women
.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 can
also
 allocate
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
plenty
amount
 of job opportunities for
women
.
As a result
,
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 will be more efficient and profitable
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 business by giving equal rights to
men
 and
women
.
Submitted by AL NURE FOYZUR REZA SUPRIO on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, try organizing your ideas into clearer, more distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main point that supports your thesis.
task achievement
Ensure your essay fully explores the different facets of the question. Consider potential counterarguments and different perspectives to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that outlines and reinforces your position effectively.
task achievement
You provide reasonable arguments as to why women should be allocated higher positions, emphasizing both fairness and productivity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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