IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

changes in the employment rate by sector(1981-2001)

#changes #employment #rate #sector
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the line chart illustrates information about the rates of employment by sector in
southeast
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Southeast Korea
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korea
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Korea
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 within 32 years starting from 1981 to 2011
overall
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,it can be seen from the chart the portion of
worker
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workers
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 in services had an upward trend.
Besides
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,
employments
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employment
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 in
agricultural
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agriculture
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 and industry declined sizably In
term
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terms
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 of services,starting with a high number
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of nearby
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nearby
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nearly
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 40
percent
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,
percentage
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the percentage
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 of employment shot up considerably over
years
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the years
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.In 2011,
this
Linking Words
 data reached the highest point of 70
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percent
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per cent
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.
In
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From
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 1981 to 1991,
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the employments
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employments
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employment
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 rate in
industry
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the industry
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 grew substantially more than 35
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percent
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per cent
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.After that,
this
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 number shrank consistently
under
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to under
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 30
percent
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 in 2011.In
agricultural
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agriculture
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,the rate of workers had
an
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a
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 downward trend
with
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of
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 more than 30
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percent
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per cent
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,
this
Linking Words
 data plummeted remarkably within 25 years starting from 1981 to 2006.
Subsequently
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,workers in
this
Linking Words
 field continued to
decreased
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decrease
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 and hit a low of nearly 10
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percent
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per cent
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 in 2011
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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precision
Aim for greater precision in describing statistical data, focusing on exact figures or trends when available.
task response
Ensure that your overview highlights the most important and relevant trends from the data, summarizing them succinctly.
coherence
Use linking words and phrases for smooth transitions to enhance flow between points.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear analysis of the different employment trends across sectors.
coherence and cohesion
Logical progression of ideas is maintained throughout, leading to coherent understanding.
task response
Main points are well-supported with relevant data from the chart.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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