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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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This
Linking Words
diagaram
Correct your spelling
diagram
 shows the
process
Use synonyms
 of producing
Cement
Use synonyms
 and Concrete, it uses visual information (drawings and arrows) and
also
Linking Words
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the ingredients and tools used in the
process
Use synonyms
.
Cement
Use synonyms
 production is fairly simple, it starts off with a mix of limestone and clay which get crushed into powders
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 after the powders go through a mixer to become one humongous powder, the powder goes through a
process
Use synonyms
 of heating and rotating through a
pipe shaped
Add a hyphen
pipe-shaped
show examples
 tool called a Rotating heater, and
then
Linking Words
 it gets cooled down and crushed again using a simple grinder, and in the
end
Add a comma
end,
show examples
 it gets bagged in paper or plastic bags. Concrete production is a cold
process
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, Which means no heat is used as shown. Concrete is just a mixture of a
half part
Add a hyphen
half-part
show examples
 gravel (small stones), a
quarter part
Add a hyphen
quarter-part
show examples
 sand, and a
quarter part
Add a hyphen
quarter-part
show examples
 mixture made out of
cement
Use synonyms
 and water, these ingredients go through a concrete mixer to make the final
cement
Use synonyms
 mixture.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words process, cement with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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