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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some employers offer their employees subsidizedmembership of gyms and sport clubs , believe that this will make their staff healthier and more effective at work . Other employees find no benifit doing so. Discuss both views .

#employers #offer #employees #subsidizedmembership #gyms #sport #clubs #staff #work #benifit
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Recently, the issue of whether subsidized
membership
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 of
gyms
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 and sports
clubs
Use synonyms
 has benefits has become the subject of heated debate. Some people assert that
this
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 will make
workers
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 healthier and more effective at work,
while
Linking Words
 others argue
otherwise
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. I wholeheartedly agree with the former stand. Both views will be discussed before a conclusion is reached with my opinion. On the one hand, those who claim that some
workers
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 do not need benefits from
gyms
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 and sports
clubs
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 do so for several reasons. Proponents of
this
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 argument insist that some employees need
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other benefits
such
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 as reading and travelling. Another reason is that every person given
this
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 subsidized
membership
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 may not use
gyms
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 and
sport
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sports
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clubs
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.
This
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 means that owners waste their revenues.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, my opinion is that subsidized
membership
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
gyms
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 and
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
clubs
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
workers
Use synonyms
 healthier and more effective at work. The most compelling reason is that if they go to
gyms
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 or
sport
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sports
show examples
clubs
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, they will be healthier. It makes their mental be better than in the past.
In other words
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, growing
mental
Change the word
mentally
show examples
 can lead to their workforce.
According to
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 the research of
the
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apply
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Seoul University,
work-effective
Correct your spelling
work effectiveness
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 of
workers
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 who exercise regularly showed a significant increase from 60% to 75%.
As a result
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, the company can grow,
offering
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by offering
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 subsidized
membership
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. In conclusion, it is undeniable that there are a variety of opinions about
this
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 topic.
However
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, after considering
this
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 matter in a careful manner, I fully support the view that subsidized
membership
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 of
gyms
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 and sports
clubs
Use synonyms
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
workers
Use synonyms
 healthier and more effective at work.
Submitted by fdsajkloo on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument and discusses both views as required by the task. However, ensure to address any counterarguments more thoroughly to demonstrate a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, starting with an introduction, then discussing both views, and concluding effectively. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer signposting to aid reader understanding.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments. While you included one example from Seoul University, offering more examples or expanding on the existing one would enrich your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction succinctly sets the stage for the discussion by highlighting both perspectives on the issue.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and clearly states your opinion, making your stance clear to the reader.
relevant specific examples
You chose a relevant example related to workplace productivity which helps to reinforce your argument and demonstrates an understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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