IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent times,
due to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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technological advancements
such
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 as Smart televisions and virtual
Use synonyms
games
Add a comma
games,
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children
Use synonyms
 are prone to spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on entertainment rather than studies. Some people believe that these
activities
Use synonyms
 can pose
great
Add an article
a great
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 threat to
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
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 mental health.
Moreover
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, playing
video
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games
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 and watching television for
prolonged
Add an article
a prolonged
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period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
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 of
time
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 can cause
detoriation
Correct your spelling
deterioration
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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cognitive function and predispose to mental illness. I completely agree with the statement and will discuss some of the drawbacks.
Pre-frontal
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The pre-frontal
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 cortex of
brain
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the brain
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 is responsible for
the
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apply
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decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
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, language skills and critical thinking.
However
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, these functions rapidly
develops
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develop
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in
Change preposition
at
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young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age when given proper stimulation
such
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 as
problem solving
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problem-solving
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, challenges and exploration. Unfortunately, most
children
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 are spending these crucial times
in
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apply
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watching TV series and movies.
Moreover
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, some young adolescents play
video
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games
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in
Change preposition
on
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the
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apply
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mobiles and PlayStations.
In addition
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 to that, spending long
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
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 in these
activities
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hinder
Correct subject-verb agreement
hinders
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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cognitive functions and
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 mental problems
such
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 as lack of concentration, delay in milestones and
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
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 capacity.
Recent
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A recent
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 study
in
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at
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the
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apply
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California
university
Capitalize word
University
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 shows that
children
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 who spend more than 6 hrs in playing
video
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games
Use synonyms
are lacking
Wrong verb form
lack
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 language
developing
Replace the word
development
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 skills and
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
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.
In particular
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, mental illnesses
such
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 as depression, restlessness, hyperactivity and anxiety are more common
due to
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 lack of social interactions.
Inspite
Correct your spelling
In spite
 of the
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parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
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effort
Fix the agreement mistake
efforts
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in
Change preposition
to
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interaction
Replace the word
interact
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 with
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the child
a child
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child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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, they are more dependent on leisure
activities
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. Because of the technological advancements in gadgets most schooling
children
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owns
Change the verb form
own
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 smartphones and
uses
Correct subject-verb agreement
use
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it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 to play online
games
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.
For example
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, during
COVID
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the COVID
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 period many young people attempted suicide just because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 their
parents
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 not
allowed
Wrong verb form
allow
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 them to play
PUBG
Correct article usage
the PUBG
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 game. So, playing
time
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 should be monitored and
parents
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 should spend
time
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 with their
children
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 to prevent mental conditions. In conclusion, I totally agree that playing
video
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games
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 and watching television can cause numerous mental conditions
to
Change preposition
in
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 young
children
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. To avoid these,
parents
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 should educate
children
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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allow them to play outdoor
games
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 and involve them in
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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activities
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 that not only prevent mental diseases but
also
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improves
Change the verb form
improve
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 cognitive function.

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task achievement
In the introduction, provide a slightly more balanced overview of the topic by acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of TV and video games briefly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all points introduced in the body paragraphs directly relate back to the main thesis stated in the introduction, reinforcing the connection.
task achievement
Try to introduce a counter-argument to demonstrate awareness of differing viewpoints, which would add depth to the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task with well-supported arguments and specific examples, contributing to a clear and persuasive stance.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is maintained throughout, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion that aligns with the arguments presented.
task achievement
The examples used, such as the study from California university and the mention of COVID-19 impact, add specificity and relevance, effectively supporting the main arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
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