IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many women are in the workforce today, but only a few are in senior positions. What causes? Suggest possible solutions.

It is true that
women
Use synonyms
 have started to join
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the workplace after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modernization and industrialization.
However
Linking Words
, it is common that men dominate
higher level
Add a hyphen
higher-level
show examples
 positions in a variety
industry
Change preposition
of industry
show examples
 fields. There are a few reasons, and the first one is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 in the workforce
directly
Add a missing verb
are directly
show examples
 affected
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their biological cycles. For
women
Use synonyms
, the problem is giving
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
birth, which
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 accompanied
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 raising a child.
In addition
Linking Words
, from the point of
company’s
Correct article usage
the company’s
show examples
 view, it is a long vacancy and other employees should share the burden during the vacant period. The second reason is narrow
sighted
Correct your spelling
narrow-sighted
show examples
 approach to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leadership
Use synonyms
, which implies that men are more charismatic and more suitable for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
. The conventional awareness leads to discourage to achieve lower
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
leadership
Use synonyms
. It reflects the fact that there is no
women
Use synonyms
 CEO in
top
Correct article usage
the top
show examples
 5 biggest
companies
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 in Korea.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I think it can be resolved by implementing two things.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the
government
Use synonyms
 should provide subsidies to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies
Use synonyms
 that allow
women
Use synonyms
’s maternity leave. With
this
Linking Words
, people could get the perception that it is all our
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 to deal with not only by
companies
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 by the
government
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, offering subsidies can be a practical help to fill in the vacancy. On top of that, the
government
Use synonyms
 continually have to publicize
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good examples of
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
leadership
Use synonyms
 to the citizens. By sharing the other cases,
women
Use synonyms
care
Verb problem
will
show examples
 be able to get encouraged to achieve their social
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
companies
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 can alleviate the burden of allowing
women
Use synonyms
’s long repetitive leaves.
To sum
Linking Words
up
Add a comma
up,
show examples
 it is
undeniable
Add an article
an undeniable
the undeniable
show examples
 fact that it is still a low level of
women
Use synonyms
leadership
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 can be resolved by implementing a lot of subsidy programs and
constant
Change the word
constantly
show examples
 sharing of best examples of
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
leadership
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
government
Use synonyms
.

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grammar
Ensure consistency in the use of tenses and singular/plural forms, such as 'women have started to join to the workplace' and 'to the citizens."
clarity
Clarify certain points with more precision, like explaining specifically what 'perception that it is all our responsibilities' entails or how exactly subsidizing helps fill vacancies practically.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced explanation of the topic, considering both causes and possible solutions.
coherence cohesion
A coherent structure is maintained throughout the essay, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
language use
The essay demonstrates a variety of vocabulary and sentence structures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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