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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The data illustrates the
employment
Use synonyms
 of
Austratlian
Correct your spelling
Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 in various age groups between 1984, 2008 and 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, the data shows a balanced trend towards the percentage of
employment
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 in Australia,
whereas
Linking Words
, for
women
Use synonyms
, it showed a more
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
upward trend. Notably,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 in the age gap of 35-44 contributed 80
pecent
Correct your spelling
per cent
 for three consecutive years.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
, devoted almost 60 percent the first year and added another 20% in 2014
However
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 in the age group of 60 to 64 distributed
extremely
Correct article usage
an extremely
show examples
 low percentage of
employment
Use synonyms
 than
men
Use synonyms
, at just 10 per cent in the beginning
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
then
Linking Words
 gradually rose to 40 per cent. In 1984 and 2001, Both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 showed a similar amount of
employment
Use synonyms
 at almost
two thirds
Add a hyphen
two-thirds
show examples
.
however
Linking Words
, in 2014, the numbers in
men
Use synonyms
 took a dip
at
Change preposition
by
show examples
 about
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half and the numbers in
women
Use synonyms
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 unchanged.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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