IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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At present, numerous amount of people are migrating to different places by leaving their family and friends back at home for work. In my opinion, advantages
doesnot
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does not
doesn't
 outweigh disadvantages, it is
viceversa
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vice versa
vice-versa
.
However
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, the most noticeable benefit is being financially independent. In terms of
oppurtunities
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opportunities
, one can have a stable and
convienient
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convenient
 life with comforts surrounded by them. They can be financially independent and can make decisions for themselves without depending on someone. People can
also
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 support their families and dear ones back at home, financially. They will get to learn,
being
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be
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responsibile
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responsible
 and handle situations on their own without turning their backs on
it
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them
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.
Although
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 there are facilities available, there are a lot more shortcomings. Persons who live far away will miss the emotional connection with family and friends. They cannot share everything, whatever
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that
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apply
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is happening,
due to
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lack
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a lack
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 of bond between them. Meanwhile, they act strong just because they need to be the strength of their family
not
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, not
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 a weakness,
eventhough
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even
, thousand things are going wrong. The worst possible thing is that they know nothing is working out and
feeling
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feel
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 hopeless but,
next
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the next
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 day they
needs
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need
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 to do the same even if they dislike it.
For instance
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, we can see many suicide cases, it is not just because they
could not
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cannot
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 handle the stress of adulthood or they dislike
there
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their
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 life. They are doing it because they don't see a way to come out of it and at the same time they are
also
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 not having
a
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the
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 kind
a
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of
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 relation they need to have to pour
there
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their
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 heart out and talk about it with their families and loved ones. In summary, for most people disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Because of the things that
happens
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happen
show examples
 once if you leave your place

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task achievement
Clarify your stance in the introduction more explicitly and ensure it aligns throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the structure of your paragraphs to enhance flow and organization; each paragraph should focus on a single idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use varied sentence structures and precise vocabulary to improve clarity and engagement.
task achievement
You present relevant points regarding the emotional impact of moving away from family.
task achievement
Your example of suicide cases adds a serious and important aspect to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
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