IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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IN PRESENT DAYS, MOST PEOPLE WISH TO LIVE INDIVIDUALLY RATHER THAN LIVING WITH THEIR
CLOSED
Replace the word
CLOSE
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 ONES FOR OFFICE WORK. IN MY POINT OF VIEW, MONEY CANNOT BUY HAPPINESS. STAYING WITH OUR LOVED ONES CAN GIVE YOU A PEACEFUL
LIFE
Use synonyms
 THAN RESIDENCY AT
LONG
Correct article usage
A LONG
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 DISTANCE.
THIS
Linking Words
 ESSAY WILL EXPLAIN THE BOTH MERITS AND DEMERITS OF LIVING IN CITIES. ON THE ONE HAND, A JOB WILL FULFILL OUR NEEDS AND DESIRE TO DO ANYTHING THAT WE ARE WISHING FOR. AT THE SAME TIME, THE PEOPLE WHO ARE RICH IN STATUS BUT POOR IN RELATIONS.
FOR INSTANCE
Linking Words
, A MAN WHO WORKS FOR THEIR FAMILY VERY HARD TO GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
THIS
Linking Words
 MAKES THE MAN HAPPY NOT THE FAMILY MEMBERS. BECAUSE THE
CLOSED
Replace the word
CLOSE
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 ONES ALWAYS
THINKS
Correct subject-verb agreement
THINK
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TO STAY
Change preposition
OF STAYING
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 WITH THEM AND
SPEND
Wrong verb form
SPENDING
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 TIME HAPPILY
INSTEAD
Linking Words
 OF GIVING
COMFORTABLE
Correct article usage
A COMFORTABLE
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Use synonyms
LIFE STYLE
Correct your spelling
LIFESTYLE
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. AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, WHERE EVER WE ARE IN
OUE
Correct your spelling
OUR
LIFE
Use synonyms
, WE ALWAYS WANT OUR FAMILY WITH US.
SECONDLY
Linking Words
, SOME CITIZENS ARE STAYING ABROAD AND GOING TO WORK TO GAIN MONEY AND RESPECT FROM OTHERS.
THIS
Linking Words
 RESULTS STRONG FINANCIAL STABILITY AND NO NEED TO THINK OF ADJUSTMENTS IN
LIFE
Use synonyms
.
ALTHOUGH
Linking Words
, THE FEMALE OR MALE WORKERS WHO ARE STAYING OUTSIDE OF THE COUNTRY KNOW THE STRUGGLE OF BEING ALONE. TO ILLUSTRATE
THIS
Linking Words
, PERSONS WHO DO PART-TIME WORK AND STUDY AT THE SAME TIME WILL HAVE THE MORE SUFFOCATING
LIFE
Use synonyms
. IF MANKIND FALLS SICK, THERE WILL BE NO ONE TO TAKE CARE OF THEM
THIS
Linking Words
 MAKES THEM FEEL ALONE. IN CONCLUSION, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WHICH WE HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IN
THIS
Linking Words
 WORLD. THE PUBLIC WHO CRAVE
FOR
Change preposition
apply
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TREASURE ARE ALWAYS
IN TENSION
Correct word choice
TENSE
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 COMPARED TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH THEIR FRIENDS
LEAD
Correct word choice
AND LEAD
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 A CALM AND HAPPY
Use synonyms
LIFE STYLE
Correct your spelling
LIFESTYLE
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly address the task in your introduction. Instead of stating 'this essay will explain the both merits and demerits of living in cities', specify that you are discussing the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from family for work.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your ideas. Use linking words and phrases to make connections between your points and to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples that directly support your points. For example, discuss a particular scenario or study that illustrates the loneliness experienced by workers who move away from family, rather than keeping the examples general.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and spelling. There were several minor errors throughout your essay that can distract the reader from your message, such as 'wherever' instead of 'where ever', and 'closed ones' instead of 'loved ones'.
content
The inclusion of personal opinion at the beginning and end of the essay adds a nice touch and shows engagement with the topic.
content
You have recognized both sides of the argument, which is important in developing a well-rounded discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
What to do next:
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