IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

IELTS Essay: Women in Employment The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.

IELTS Essay: Women in Employment The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The line graph illustrates the proportion of
females
Use synonyms
 between the ages of 15 and 64 working in five different countries from 2003 to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
employment
Use synonyms
 rate of
females
Use synonyms
 climbed gradually in
Germany
Use synonyms
 and Turkey,
while
Linking Words
 it increased marginally for
Canada
Use synonyms
 and Chile.
In contrast
Linking Words
, it declined slightly for Iceland towards the end of the period. With regards to the percentage of working
females
Use synonyms
 in Iceland, it was around 80% during 2003, which remained steady till 2009, before dropping down slightly to approximately below 80% during 2009. There was around
10
Correct article usage
a 10
show examples
% difference in the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates of
females
Use synonyms
 in
Canada
Use synonyms
 and
Germany
Use synonyms
, around 69% and 59 % respectively during 2003, with just a slight increase in the
employment
Use synonyms
 rate in
Canada
Use synonyms
 till 2007 and
then
Linking Words
 remaining stable till 2009,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates in
Germany
Use synonyms
 went up gradually before reaching a peak of just above 60% in 2009.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates of
females
Use synonyms
 in Chile and Turkey remained relatively low
compared
Verb problem
apply
show examples
throughout the period compared to Iceland,
Canada
Use synonyms
 and
Germany
Use synonyms
. The proportion of employed
females
Use synonyms
 in Chile was around 35% during the start of the period before hitting a high of
aroun
Correct your spelling
around
 40% in 2005 and
then
Linking Words
 rising steadily. With an
exception
Add a comma
exception,
show examples
 the
employment
Use synonyms
 rate in Turkey dropped
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
during the

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words females, employment, germany, canada with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: