IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some employers offer their employees subsidized memberships of gyms and sport clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and more effective at work, other employers see no benefit in doing so. Discuss both views and present your opinion.

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The question of whether
to offer
Change the verb form
offering
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
subsidized memberships of gyms and
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 clubs should be effective at
work
Use synonyms
 or
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not have advantages has recently been hotly debated, with some managements maintaining that aid can be very effective
wile
Correct your spelling
while
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, others believe that aid cannot
very
Add a missing verb
be very
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 impactful are opposed
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a number of reasons. Valid arguments have been proposed
be
Correct your spelling
by
show examples
 both sides of
this
Linking Words
 topical debate, which will be taken into consideration, followed by my own take on
this
Linking Words
muter
Correct your spelling
matter
show examples
. On the one hand, aid of memberships is not very useful
due to
Linking Words
 de fact that employees should receive the salary that they rightfully deserve, not a penny extra. Some management
believe
Change the verb form
believes
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 that if get
subsidize
Correct your spelling
subsidies
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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, the company’s budget
is
Wrong verb form
will be
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 insufficient
through
Change preposition
over
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 time and it is detrimental to
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most of the employees prefer to have
the
Correct article usage
a
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 much
more
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 salary
instead
Linking Words
 of
get
Change the verb form
getting
show examples
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
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 of subsidies.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those who advocate
this
Linking Words
 idea believe that employees need to have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
subsidies. Because they find
this
Linking Words
 special promotion interesting to engage for working harder.
In addition
Linking Words
, people who
work
Use synonyms
 as
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 need much more weekend leisure time to be able to recover. Another reason is people prefer to
work
Use synonyms
 at
this
Linking Words
 kind of job
whit
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 advantages. In conclusion, from what has been discussed, I tend to feel that
this
Linking Words
 promotion will make their staff healthier and more effective at
work
Use synonyms
. Of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is provided that staff do their job perfectly.

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coherence and cohesiveness
Consider revising grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'should be effective at work or do not have advantages,' which could be clearer. Additionally, clarify your arguments, especially where they could be better linked to the main topic.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph develops a single clear idea and supports it with examples or reasoning. This will enhance the clarity of your arguments.
coherence and cohesiveness
Use transition words to connect ideas more smoothly. For example, use 'firstly,' 'furthermore,' or 'in contrast' to signal shifts in perspective.
task achievement
You have clearly identified both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarizes your opinion effectively, reiterating the main points of your argument concisely.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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