IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard workers? what are the factors that should be cosidered while recruiting the staffs for sales positions?

Use synonyms
Money hungry
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Money-hungry
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people
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 are said to be dedicated to their jobs and are an excellent driving force in a
sales
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company
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.
While
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 most
people
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 are striving
for living
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to live
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with
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by
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 earning some salary, there are
also
Linking Words
 some groups that searching for power or influence over others. Personally, I believe that both of
the
Correct your spelling
them
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 are true
for
Change preposition
to
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 some extent, but other
factors
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 should be considered when hiring
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sales peoples
Correct your spelling
salespeople
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. We live in a world where everything requires
money
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 to pay for an object or a service.
This
Linking Words
 makes anything we do
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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based on
a transactions
Correct the article-noun agreement
transactions
a transaction
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 and
money
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 regarded as important. To earn
money
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, we are required to
work
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in
Change preposition
on
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 a daily basis, and for some
people
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, they think
by
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that
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 having a good
work
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ethics
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ethic
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 and dedication to the job can
results
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result
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 in a high salary. In a
sales
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company
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
there
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 are some incentives or
bonus
Fix the agreement mistake
bonuses
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 given to them if they are able to exceed the minimum
sales
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 and
this
Linking Words
 will
motivates
Change the verb form
motivate
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 those who
plans
Change the verb form
plan
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 to become better in their jobs. Other than
money
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, power and influence are playing a big
roles
Correct the article-noun agreement
role
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 in the society. The higher a person's
hierarchial
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hierarchical
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 position in a
company
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, the more they have an impact
in
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on
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 the
company
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's future.
For example
Linking Words
, a
sales
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 manager
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 able to direct the workers to have a certain product's
sales
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 increase and they can make
a rules
Correct the article-noun agreement
rules
a rule
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 on how to attract
the
Correct article usage
apply
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customers.
This
Linking Words
abillity
Correct your spelling
ability
 that comes with a high position can impact someone's motivation to
work
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 in a
company
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. The
people
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's motivation to
work
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 is not the only thing that needs to be considered when hiring new
people
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. For a
sales
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company
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, a person's communication
skills
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 and interpersonal
skills
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 are some of the bigger
factors
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.
A
Correct article usage
Sales
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sales
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requires
Change the verb form
require
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 a way of communication between the
sales
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 and customer, if the
sales
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 are able to find their needs and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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be able to complete
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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, it can
satisty
Correct your spelling
satisfy
 the needs of the customers and have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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good
sales
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, interpersonal
skills
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 needed to be able to read the person's situation and relate to their needs to be able to sell some products to the buyers. In conclusion, there are some
factors
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 that
affects
Change the verb form
affect
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people
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 in working in a
sales
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company
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, the most common
factors
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 are
money
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 and power or influence,
while
Linking Words
 those criteria will make a dedicated workers. Other workers with good communication and interpersonal
skills
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 are
also
Linking Words
 needed in a
sales
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company
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that you clearly present your main ideas and support them with specific examples. This will enhance the substance of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
When forming your paragraphs, use clearer topic sentences and transitions to better guide the reader through your points.
general improvement
Check for grammatical errors and sentence structure to improve overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.
content
You address the topic of motivation in sales effectively by discussing various motivations, including money and influence.
content
Your conclusion summarizes the key points well, reinforcing your argument about the importance of various factors in recruitment.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic motivation
  • extrinsic motivation
  • career growth
  • employee turnover
  • skill set
  • company culture
  • interpersonal skills
  • job satisfaction
  • retention strategies
  • performance metrics
  • work-life balance
  • recognition programs
  • performance incentives
  • engagement levels
  • value alignment
What to do next:
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