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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

the line graph shows the cost for watching films. The pie charts show the change in the percentage of market share represented by the three forms.

the line graph shows the cost for watching films. The pie charts show the change in the percentage of market share represented by the three forms.
The graph illustrates the price of three different ways,
such
Linking Words
 as going to
Use synonyms
cinema
Add an article
the cinema
show examples
, downloading through
legal
Add an article
a legal
the legal
show examples
 online platform, and renting a
DVD
Use synonyms
, used by people watching movies from 2005 to 2011. Meanwhile, the charts depict the data of changing percentages in the market
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 these three ways in 2005 and in 2011.
Overall
Linking Words
, the line graph saw an upward trend for
cinema
Use synonyms
ticket
Fix the agreement mistake
tickets
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
DVD
Fix the agreement mistake
DVDs
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 watching online had a decline in 2007, but went up again afterwards.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the pie charts show that renting a
DVD
Use synonyms
 had the highest percentages in 2005 and in 2011,
while
Linking Words
 legal download was
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the smallest percentage in 2005, but significantly increased in 2011. In the line chart,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cinema
Use synonyms
ticket
Fix the agreement mistake
tickets
show examples
 had a dramatic increase where
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
began
Wrong verb form
beginning
show examples
 at approximately nine
euros
Use synonyms
 in 2005 and
ended
Wrong verb form
ending
show examples
 at 14
euros
Use synonyms
 in 2011. Even though the legal download went down to 6
euros
Use synonyms
 in 2007 from 8 in the beginning, it significantly increased by 6 to 9 from 2007 to 2011.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
DVD
Use synonyms
 had the
cheapest
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 cost in 2005
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 6
euros
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it had a considerable rise to 8
euros
Use synonyms
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of the chart. The charts depict the
changing
Replace the word
changes
show examples
 in
Correct article usage
the movies
show examples
movies
Fix the agreement mistake
movie
show examples
 market where the
DVD
Use synonyms
 had the largest proportion which was 64% in 2005 and 56% in 2011. Remarkably, the trading percentage of legal
download
Fix the agreement mistake
downloads
show examples
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dramatically
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 from 6% in 2005 to 26% in 2011.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
cinema
Use synonyms
 ticket experienced about a half of decline, which was from 30% to 18%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words cinema, dvd, euros with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "depict" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went up" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatic" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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