IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard workers? what are the factors that should be cosidered while recruiting the staffs for sales positions?

Workres
Correct your spelling
Workers
 are the driving force and
assest
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asset
assets
assist
 of every company, whether it's a sales company, manufacturing factory or some sort of firm. There are various factors which every employer should keep in view before hiring
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 team, wholesale companies have a perspective that they should recruit people who are hungry for money, as they will make more dedicated employees. In my opinion, cash can not be a driving force for all the employees. Salary sometimes, can be a lure for people, as it could change their lifestyle, providing them with better opportunities. Financial companies provide
commission
Fix the agreement mistake
commissions
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 to
salesperson
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salespersons
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according to
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 the number of
product
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products
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 sold out,
this
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 could create an environment of competition between
Add an article
the team
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team
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teams
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 to do more and better.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 could create jealousy among the team and ultimately healthy environment of a firm can be destroyed. Wage is a good option to keep up the spirit, but sometimes appreciation from authorities, timely help in need, facilities like trips with family, insurance schemes, health and education for children do more for keeping employees dedicated. There are many factors that a financial company should consider, but here common ones are presented.
First,
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whether labour can handle psychological pressure or not, it is a key factor when
sales man
Correct your spelling
salesmen
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 are competing with each other.
Second,
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does the person know how to judge a
customer
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customer's
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 body language and provide them with the best
.
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?
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 As far as I'm concerned, cash cannot solve every problem and
also
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 never be able to produce
loyal
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a loyal
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 and motivated band.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider clarifying and organizing your ideas more logically, ensuring each paragraph conveys a distinct point related to your thesis.
Task Response
Expand on your points with more specific examples and details to strengthen your argument. For instance, discussing the impact of healthy competition more thoroughly can enhance your response.
Task Achievement
You demonstrate an understanding of various factors that influence employee motivation besides just money, which shows depth in your analysis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic motivation
  • extrinsic motivation
  • career growth
  • employee turnover
  • skill set
  • company culture
  • interpersonal skills
  • job satisfaction
  • retention strategies
  • performance metrics
  • work-life balance
  • recognition programs
  • performance incentives
  • engagement levels
  • value alignment
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