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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many employees can now do their work from home using modern technology. However, this change may only benefit workers, not the employers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Because the development of modern technology provides people with more possibilities to
work
Use synonyms
 outside of companies.
However
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, some people think that
this
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 change may only benefit
employees
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instead
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 of
employers
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. From my perspective, it would benefit both under suitable management. For the
employees
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, working online can provide them with more flexible and accessible working hours. They can choose to complete their tasks at home or in the cafe
instead
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 of working in
such
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 a stressful environment every day. Only in
this
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 way can
workers
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 improve their working efficiency. Remote
work
Use synonyms
 allows
workers
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 to focus more on balancing their lives and jobs. As for those
workers
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 who have children, they can have more opportunities to accompany their children.
Although
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 remote
work
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 makes it difficult for
employers
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 to manage their
employees
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, especially those who lack
time
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 management skills, it would reduce the
work
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 efficiency of the industries. At the same
time
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, it leads to a drawback in teamwork ability in companies.
Conversely
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,
while
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employees
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work
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 online, they
also
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 reduce the
time
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 that they spend in the office. It has reduced the
expend
Replace the word
expenditure
show examples
 of the company’s resources,
such
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 as electricity and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rent of the company.
In addition
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, online
work
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 offers diverse communication ways and enables problems to be discussed and solved at any
time
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.
For instance
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, when the customer has a problem,
workers
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 can have a discussion immediately.
To sum up
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, it is beneficial for
workers
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 who are allowed to choose
working
Correct pronoun usage
their working
show examples
 places freely.
Besides
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, if the
employers
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 manage their
workers
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 properly, like making a summary of their
work
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 regularly, it would
also
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 be an advantage to them. So it is significant for those
employers
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 to learn how to manage their
workers
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 more efficiently, in order to benefit both the
workers
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 and
employers
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.

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task
Make your view very clear in the first paragraph and state how far you agree or disagree. Then keep a line of thought through all paragraphs.
coherence
Use topic sentences at start of each paragraph to show the main idea.
task
Add more exact examples to back up your points. Real numbers or facts help.
style
Keep short sentences. Avoid long, tricky sentences.
content
You give a balance view and show both sides.
structure
There is a clear ending that restates your view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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