IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

You started in your present job two years ago. You now feel it is important for your career development to move to a different department in the same company. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter • say what you have learned in your present job • suggest how the company would benefit from moving you to a different department • explain why you do not wish to leave the company

Dear Mr John, I am Sophie, a staff
from
Check wording
member from
show examples
 the Social Media Sector, who has been serving in
this
Linking Words
 company for 2 years. I am writing to you to ask if it's possible for me to move to the new
Artifacial Etelligence
Correct your spelling
Artificial Intelligence
 Office. In the past two years, as a video editor, I have not only learned writing
footages
Fix the agreement mistake
footage
show examples
, photographing, and cutting clips, but
also
Linking Words
 developed a sense of
grabing
Correct your spelling
grasping
 social hot issues;
However
Linking Words
, since the prevailing popularity of Open A.I.
rises
Wrong verb form
has raised
show examples
 attention worldwide, I prefer working in
this
Linking Words
 field. You may
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
that
Change preposition
about
show examples
 whether
am I
Correct word order
I am
show examples
 eligible
working
Wrong verb form
to work
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the new area. Actually, I have been
attended
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
 a part-time online training on applying Open A.I., and I am capable of
completeing
Correct your spelling
completing
 10 compositions within 8 hourse shift
instead
Linking Words
 of producing 3 pieces of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 a day at
current
Correct pronoun usage
my current
show examples
 department. If you approve my application, the productivity of our company will double than before. Please consider my request seriously, as I love
this
Linking Words
 workplace very much and I hope it will
prospect
Verb problem
prosper
show examples
 and keep competition in
market
Correct article usage
the market
show examples
. Especially,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
 Open A.I. and robots are the core creativity of our development in future. I look forward to your response
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 Best Regards, Sophie

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Break the text into small parts. Use one idea in each paragraph. Start with a short aim, then say what you learned, then how the move helps the firm, then why you stay.
language
Fix the marks and caps. Use simple words. Check spell and form. For example, 'OpenAI' and 'Artificial Intelligence' are spelled right.
content
Be clear on what you learned and what you can do in the new job. Do not use too many big facts. Keep it simple and true.
tone
The letter is polite.
content
It shows you want to stay in the same company.
content
It notes a future gain for the firm.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • career development
  • transferable skills
  • professional growth
  • department
  • diversify experience
  • benefit
  • contribute
  • innovate
  • perspective
  • team collaboration
  • job satisfaction
  • company loyalty
  • internal transfer
  • long-term commitment
  • value addition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: