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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below show the percentage of math graduates and all graduates who got full-time job after graduating from a university in Australia, and also shows the average salary of both grads,from 2004 to 2012

The graphs below show the percentage of math graduates and all graduates who got full-time job after graduating from a university in Australia, and also shows the average salary of both grads,from 2004 to 2012
The line graph describes how many
graduates
Use synonyms
 in mathematics and all
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
 got full-time employment after university completion in Australia,
while
Linking Words
table
Correct article usage
the table
show examples
 shows the average wage of
both
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 between 2004 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
,
both
Use synonyms
 of the
Graduates
Use synonyms
 who work in
full time
Use the right word
full-time
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 experienced
Correct article usage
a slightly
show examples
slightly
Replace the word
slight
show examples
 increase in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
2004 and
slowly
Replace the word
a slow
show examples
 decrease in 2012. Regarding the mean earnings of
both
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
 generally increased.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 the average salary of maths grads
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 higher compared to all
graduates
Use synonyms
. As the line graph shows, the percentage of workers who were math
graduates
Use synonyms
 started at 80% ,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
peaked
up to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 around 90% in 2006, before witnessing
gradual
Correct article usage
a gradual
show examples
 decline to 80% in 2012. Regarding the employment of all
graduates
Use synonyms
, it started at approximately 64% ,
it
Correct word choice
and it
show examples
 reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
just below 80% in 2008 before
went
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 down substantially in 2012. Regarding the average salary of
both
Use synonyms
 alumni, the average wage of math
graduates
Use synonyms
 and all degrees were the same, $41000 and $43000 in 2006 and 2008.
However
Linking Words
, the mean earnings of
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
 in mathematics increased and reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
$60000 in 2012,
while
Linking Words
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 salary of all
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 $51000 in that year.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words graduates, degree, holders, both with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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