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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph shows the demand while the second chart show the number of staff in th Uk steel industry.

The line graph shows the demand while the second chart show the number of staff in th Uk steel industry.
The graph compares the requirement for
steel
Use synonyms
 over the
30 years
Correct your spelling
30-year
 period
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 the second diagram
illustrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrates
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 the number of employees in the
Uk
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UK
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steel
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 industry. In general, there were a number of significant changes over the period.
For instance
Linking Words
, the
steel
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 was manufactured less
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year because of the lack of demand.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the
quantity
Check wording
number
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 of staff
also
Linking Words
 decreased quickly. Observing the charts in detail, the total demand of
steel
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 started to drop slightly in 1980, representing 200
million
Use synonyms
tonnes
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.
However
Linking Words
, the total demand decreased sharply until the end of the year, which was 100
million
Use synonyms
tonnes
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, UK production persisted to decline marginally from 1970 to 2000, accounting for almost 50.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the import of
steel
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 ascended rapidly from zero
million
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tonnes
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 to 100
million
Use synonyms
tonnes
Use synonyms
 between 1970 and 2000.
According to
Linking Words
 the number of staff,
initially
Linking Words
, over the
20 years
Correct your spelling
20-year
period
Add a comma
period,
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 the
quantity
Check wording
number
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 of employees fell substantially, accounting for 20 thousand in 1980.
Then
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
was
Verb problem
apply
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remained unchanged by 2000, making up 18
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
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 people.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words steel, million, tonnes with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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