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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The line graph shows the percentage of different age groups of cinema visitors ina particular country from 1978 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph elaborates
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the average of various
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 from 14
Use synonyms
age
Check wording
apply
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to 50+
age
Use synonyms
, of cinema audience in a known nation, during the period 1978 to 2008, which is expressed in percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
, among all the
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 teenagers
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 the most popular for cinema viewers,
while
Linking Words
 the least
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 the old
age
Use synonyms
. The
age
Use synonyms
 group between 25 to 49 had almost the same trend. To commence, the
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
 14-24
Use synonyms
age
Check wording
apply
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for cinema had
fluctuating
Correct article usage
a fluctuating
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 graph
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
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1978
Punctuation problem
1978,
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 it was 90%, which dropped a little
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
later
Change preposition
in later
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year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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remained constant
,
Punctuation problem
. However
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however
Linking Words
, by the
deadline
Punctuation problem
deadline,
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 it dropped by 10%.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, the
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 25-34
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 were the followers of the teenagers
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 it showed a slight difference of 10% throughout
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 compared with
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 group.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
middle
Use the right word
middle-aged
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 visitors
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 60% in the beginning, which dropped by 20% in 1998
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
moreover
Linking Words
, by 2003 plateaued
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 60%,
later
Correct word choice
and later
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 dropped to 50% by 2003.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, the senior citizen was the negligible audience among all in the beginning. Though the trend was unequal,
at the end
Linking Words
 showed
improvement
Correct article usage
an improvement
show examples
 of 10%

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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