IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average number of movies seen in a theater per year, by age group. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. The line graph compares the mean number of films casted in a film hall each year, according to 3 age groups.

The graph provides information about the number of average popular
movies
Use synonyms
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
show examples
 in
Cinema
Correct article usage
the Cinema
show examples
 from 2000 to
2015
Punctuation problem
2015,
show examples
 divided by age.
Overall
Linking Words
, people
with age
Change preposition
aged
show examples
 18 - 24 watched more
movies
Use synonyms
 compared to
adults
Use synonyms
 and early
adults
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 2000, average
youth
Use the right word
young
show examples
 people only watched 10
movies
Use synonyms
, below
adults
Use synonyms
 and early
adults
Use synonyms
. Evidently, it experienced
upward
Correct article usage
an upward
show examples
 trend in 2005, and continued to
Wrong verb form
grow
show examples
grew
Punctuation problem
grew,
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 12
movies
Use synonyms
 in 2015. It became the highest number of
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 watched compared to others.
Although
Linking Words
adults
Use synonyms
 watched more than 15
movies
Use synonyms
 in the initial
period
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 experienced a downward trend during the
period
Use synonyms
.
Adults
Use synonyms
 in 2005 only watched 14
movies
Use synonyms
, and plummeted to approximately 8
movies
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, early
adults
Use synonyms
 experienced a downward trend, similar to
adults
Use synonyms
. They watched 12
movies
Use synonyms
 in 2000, and dropped to 10
movies
Use synonyms
 5 years later.
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
 2010, they
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
watched
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 than 8
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
,
thus
Linking Words
 became
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
5
movies
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words movies, adults, period with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "downward" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • average number of films
  • age categories/age groups
  • per annum
  • line graph
  • movie-watching habits
  • trends
  • fluctuations
  • peak/decline
  • comparison/contrast
  • notable changes
What to do next:
Look at other essays: