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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph below shows the number of participants in five different activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020. The activities are: Film club Martial arts Amateur dramatics Table tennis Musical performances The figures are given for the years 2000, 2005, 2010, 2015, and 2020. Approximate data: Film club: 64, 62, 60, 64, 66 Martial arts: 36, 32, 38, 34, 36 Amateur dramatics: 25, 28, 20, 14, 6 Table tennis: 16, 20, 20, 35, 54 Musical performances: 0, 0, 12, 16, 18 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where

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The graph illustrates the number of
participants
Use synonyms
 for several activities at the social
club
Use synonyms
 in Melbourne between 2000
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
club
Use synonyms
 was the most popular activity over the
period
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 martial arts fluctuated only slightly , table tennis sharply increased throughout the
period
Use synonyms
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
; in
show examples
 contrast, amateur dramatics had fallen. In 2000, the largest number of
participants
Use synonyms
 were in
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
club
Use synonyms
 and Martial arts,
film
Correct word order
with the film club having
show examples
club
Use synonyms
 with around 65
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
members Followed by Martial arts with approximately 35.
However
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 two activities fluctuated only slightly over the
period
Use synonyms
.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 the activities
showed
Correct pronoun usage
that showed
show examples
 significant change were the table tennis , amateur dramatics and the musical performance. At the beginning of the
period
Use synonyms
table
Punctuation problem
, table
show examples
 tennis had below 20
Use synonyms
participants
Punctuation problem
participants,
show examples
then
Linking Words
 rose sharply
near
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to
55
Rephrase
nearly 55
show examples
 by 2020 .
Linking Words
while
Fix capitalization
While
show examples
 amateur dramatics
start
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 at above 20 members
Linking Words
then
Punctuation problem
, then
show examples
 dropped down nearly 5 by 2020.
the
Fix capitalization
The
show examples
 musical performances start with zero
participants
Use synonyms
 at the beginning of the
Use synonyms
period
Punctuation problem
period,
show examples
then
Linking Words
it is
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 steadily increased around 15 by 2020.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words participants, club, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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