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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their families and friends. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 day and age, the trend of hunting work
while
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 leaving family behind is increasing rapidly. Many believe that people need to move far from close ones to achieve their professional career goals.
It is clear that
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 there are major benefits
such
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 as
overall
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 development,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 there are significant drawbacks as well
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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lonliness
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loneliness
,
home-sickness
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homesickness
.
This
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 essay will discuss both merits and demerits in
following
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the following
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 paragraphs. On the one hand, individuals prefer to move to different cities or nations to accomplish goals
their
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apply
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in
favourable
Correct article usage
a favourable
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 occupation.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 it helps them to grow and learn advanced skills. The main skill is discipline in life
as
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, as
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 most of the basic responsibilities
are needed
Wrong verb form
need
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 to be handled
single handedly
Correct your spelling
single-handedly
,
as well as
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 skills
such
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 as financial and time management can be learned.
For instance
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, it is clearly seen in many students moving abroad to find work after studies, eventually in
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 years their personalities and habits are dramatically changed.
This
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 demonstrates that staying away from family can affect a human being in major positive developmental ways. On the other side, there could be plenty of negative points as well.
Firstly
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, some people find it difficult to survive without their family in a new
enviornment
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environment
.
In addition
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, many individuals suffer from depression
due to
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 pressure in their lives.
Also
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,
home-sickness
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homesickness
 and
lonliness
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loneliness
 are
another
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other
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 common terms among emotional folks as they have always lived with their relatives and friends. In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that living alone in
a
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an
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 unknown city or country has its major drawbacks;
however
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, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages
due to
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overall
Correct article usage
the overall
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 development of humans.

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task response
Score: 5. Your main answer is clear, but the ideas need more detail. Explain how moving for work leads to better jobs, higher pay, or more chances. Then explain why these gains are more important than missing family and friends.
task response
Your example is too general. Give a clear case: for example, a worker moves to a large city, gets a job with better pay, and can send money home.
task response
The bad side is not fully developed. Say what may happen when a person feels alone, and explain how they may deal with it, such as calls home or new friends.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, focus on work and life skills. In the second, focus on being away from family and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not clear or are used in the wrong way. For example, “On the other side” can be “On the other hand”. Use simple links: “This is because”, “As a result”, and “For example”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match the body more closely. You say the good points are stronger, so restate the two key reasons: better work chances and growth as a person.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. Shorter sentences will make your meaning easier to follow.
task response
You answer both sides and give a clear view: the good points are stronger.
task response
You use one real-life example about students who move abroad for work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “Firstly”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • career opportunities
  • higher-paying position
  • professional development
  • career progression
  • a wider job market
  • financial stability
  • support a family
  • gain independence
  • adapt to a new environment
  • move away from loved ones
  • feel homesick
  • emotional support
  • maintain close relationships
  • regular face-to-face contact
  • long-distance relationship
  • important family occasions
  • affordable travel
  • keep in touch online
  • a sense of isolation
  • outweigh the drawbacks
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