IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Do young people today make good use of their leisure time? Or do they spend too much time watching television and playing video games, instead of taking part in more productive activities? Use your own ideas and experience and support your arguments with examples.

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Nowadays, the
use
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 of leisure
time
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 has become a popular topic of discussion because some
people
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 spend
time
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 watching television and playing
video
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games
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instead
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 of engaging in useful
activities
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. I believe that young
people
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 do not
use
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 their free
time
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 in the best way.
To begin
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 with, spending a long
time
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 watching TV and playing
video
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games
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 can cause serious
health
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 problems,
such
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 as being overweight.
In other words
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,
this
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 happens because children sit for long periods without moving and eat without paying attention
,
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apply
show examples
while
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 watching the screen.
For example
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, a recent study suggests that spending a long
time
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 in front of screens can lead to being overweight because
people
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 do not get enough exercise. To solve
this
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 problem, young
people
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 can do productive
activities
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 that help improve their thinking and develop their
skills
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.
This
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 can encourage
people
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 to explore their hobbies and improve
skills
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 like problem-solving or critical thinking.
This
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 helps
people
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 to
use
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 their
time
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 in useful
activities
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instead
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 of playing
video
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games
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, which reduce helath problem.
For example
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, learning a language builds communication
skills
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 and can lower stress.
As a result
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, these
activities
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 help
people
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 feel more confident and reduce stress.
This
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 can
also
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 help them become more active and healthy.
Therefore
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,
people
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 can achieve a better balance between free
time
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 and
health
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. In conclusion, making good
use
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 of their leisure
time
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 in good ways helps
people
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 develop
skills
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 and reduces
health
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 problems ,
instead
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 of playing
video
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games
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 sit front of screens , which increases
health
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 harm and wastes
time
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.

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task response
Score: 5. You answer the question, but your ideas need more detail. Explain why TV and games may be bad only when young people do them too much. Also say that some games or TV shows can help people learn or rest.
task response
Your first main point is about health. Add a more real example, such as a student who plays games for four hours each day and then has no time for sport, sleep, or friends.
task response
Your second main point is less clear. You say young people can do useful things, but you need to say which things: sport, reading, music, helping at home, or learning online. Then explain how each one helps.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 5. Keep one main idea in each body part. Body 2 repeats “skills”, “stress”, “health”, and “active” many times. Pick one clear point and build it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care. Some sentences start with “This”, but it is not always clear what “This” means. Name the idea again when needed, for example: “Learning a language can help young people feel more sure of themselves.”
coherence and cohesion
Make your end shorter and clearer. Do not add many new words there. Say your main view again and sum up the two reasons: health and useful skills.
task response
You give a clear view: young people do not always use free time well. You also give two main ideas: health and skill growth.
task response
Your examples fit your main ideas, such as too much screen time and learning a new language.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words such as “To begin with”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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