IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work?

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Introduction
Some individuals
belives
Correct your spelling
believe
 that hiring poor
people
Use synonyms
 for
sales
Use synonyms
job
Check wording
jobs
show examples
 could be helpful because of their
hungry
Replace the word
hunger
 to make money. I personally
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
diagree
Correct your spelling
disagree
 with the statement, and
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 think passion
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 work and
need
Correct article usage
the need
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 money both plays similar role.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 with more interst on the job they are doing
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 work more efficient.
Sales
Use synonyms
 guys
always
Verb problem
are always
show examples
 meeting new
people
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and explaining
about
Change preposition
the
show examples
 product all the time. To do that employee need to be more
passinated
Replace the word
passionate
 about the work.
For example
Linking Words
, car
sales
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 meets new
customer
Check wording
customers
show examples
 every day
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they have to explain about
car
Correct article usage
the car
show examples
 (including small
deatils
Correct your spelling
details
). Some time employee have
convince
Wrong verb form
convinced
show examples
 the buyer to choose their vehicle. I think,
wiyhout
Correct your spelling
without
 passion about the car
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
, people
show examples
 can't talk over and over again.
Conclusion
Secondly
Linking Words
, there are some individuals working on sale without interest, but because of finacially low. These
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 always try
impress
Verb problem
to impress
show examples
 the management with the
sales
Use synonyms
 report to get a promotion.

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task response
Your main view is clear: money is not the only reason people work hard. However, you need to answer the full question more directly. Say clearly whether money is the main driving force, then explain why passion, pride, goals, or a good work place can also make people work hard.
task response
Develop each main point more. In the first body part, explain how love for cars helps a sales worker speak well, learn facts, and help buyers. In the second part, explain why money can push a worker to sell more. Add one more point about why money alone may not lead to good long-term work.
task response
The essay stops without a final paragraph. Add a short ending that repeats your view and brings both main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a simple order: opening, first reason, and second reason. This is good. Make the opening clearer by using the same key words from the question, such as “money” and “hard work”.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example: “First,” “For example,” “As a result,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.” These can help the reader follow your points.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one idea. The first body paragraph is about passion. The second is about money. Start each one with a clear first sentence, then give an example and explain how it supports your view.
task response
You give a clear personal view and show that both passion and money can make people work hard.
task response
Your example of car sales workers is relevant and helps show why interest in a job matters.
coherence and cohesion
You use separate paragraphs for different ideas, so the reader can see the main parts of your answer.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Intrinsic motivation
  • Extrinsic motivation
  • Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
  • Basic needs
  • High-level motivations
  • Job satisfaction
  • Working environment
  • Growth opportunities
  • Work-life balance
  • Monetary rewards
  • Employee turnover rates
  • Productivity
  • Short-term motivator
  • Long-term dedication
  • Sense of purpose
  • Personal growth
  • External rewards
  • Internal satisfaction
  • Fulfilment
  • Professional fulfilment
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