IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the proportion of staff employed by age in the public sector in the UK in 2015 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

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The given pie charts illustrate the changes in
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of workers by
age
Use synonyms
 in
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
 2015
till
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2020. The differences were shown in percentages and
proportion
Check wording
proportions
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 by
age
Use synonyms
obviously
Punctuation problem
, obviously
show examples
 have changed. The first pie chart display
number
Use synonyms
 of employers by
age
Use synonyms
 in 2015. The largest proportion of staff
conclude
Verb problem
are
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 over 21.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 there were about 14% of
people
Use synonyms
 under 21 years old
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that percentage slightly decreased on 2%.
While
Linking Words
 the largest proportions of individuals in
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 include
group
Check wording
groups
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
about
Correct word choice
aged
show examples
 21-30 and
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
employees
Use synonyms
over
Correct word choice
aged over
show examples
 50
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 accounted for 23% for both mentioned
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
. These two groups created the largest part of
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
employees
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 in 2020
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 over 50
were extremely fell down
Correct word order
fell extremely
show examples
 and accounted for 16%.
While
Linking Words
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 over 50
were felt
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 down,
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
employees
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
21
Check wording
group 21
show examples
-30
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
increased and accounted for 33%. The first pie chart shows that employers
in
Replace the word
aged
age
Use synonyms
 31-40 created 21% of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 in 2015 and
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
decreased on 10% in 2020. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
in
Replace the word
aged
age
Use synonyms
 41-50
created not
Correct word order
did not create
show examples
 the largest proportion of workers in
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sector
Use synonyms
 in 2015 and accounted for 19%. In 2020
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
in
Replace the word
aged
age
Use synonyms
 41-50 were risen on 9%. In conclusion,
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of workers
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 in 2015
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 contrast
of
Change preposition
to the number of
show examples
employees
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the same
age
Use synonyms
 in 2020
were
Verb problem
,
show examples
 changed by
age
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, age, sector, people, employees with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • age group
  • age bracket
  • public-sector workforce
  • proportion of employees
  • percentage of staff
  • the largest share
  • the smallest proportion
  • account for
  • make up
  • stand at
  • rise slightly
  • increase markedly
  • decline gradually
  • remain stable
  • overtake another group
  • a noticeable difference
  • an age distribution
  • a more ageing workforce
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