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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graphs below show the number of passengers travelling by train and the percentage of trains that arrived on time compared with the target, from 2000 to 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The graphs below show the number of passengers travelling by train and the percentage of trains that arrived on time compared with the target, from 2000 to 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The first line graph illustrates the
number
Use synonyms
 of individuals using the railway between 2000 and 2009,
while
Linking Words
 the second gives data about the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
trains
Use synonyms
 that ran on
time
Use synonyms
 with the target during the
similar
Correct word choice
same
show examples
period
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of train passengers using the train during the 9-year
period
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of on
time
Use synonyms
 rose over the
period
Use synonyms
 , and the target represented the same
percentage
Use synonyms
. In 2000, the
number
Use synonyms
 of railway people went through the railway at approximately 35 million. In the following 5 years, the
number
Use synonyms
 of passengers increased to nearly 45 million.
However
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 decreased dramatically to the lowest
proportion
Use synonyms
, representing 40. Turning to the train timetable, in 2000, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
trains
Use synonyms
 running on
time
Use synonyms
 represented the same
proportion
Use synonyms
 at 95.00% throughout the noted
period
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
trains
Use synonyms
 on the standard line and target showed the lowest share at about 92.00%.
However
Linking Words
, in the following two years,
this
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 showed a dramatic rise to 95.00% , which is a similar
percentage
Use synonyms
 to the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
trains
Use synonyms
 running on
time
Use synonyms
. But, it
then
Linking Words
 decreased to 92.000% , despite some fluctuations, until 2006. After all, it boomed dramatically,
according to
Linking Words
 about 97.000%, which is the highest
proportion
Use synonyms
 until 2009.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, proportion, trains, time, period, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 3 times.
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