IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In mordern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. 1. Why has this change occured? 2. Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Younger
Correct article usage
The younger
show examples
 generation
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 spending their maximum time with their peers
compaired
Correct your spelling
compared
 to their family members in recent days.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
 changes may have occurred
due to
Linking Words
 social
media
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
conservative
Correct article usage
a conservative
show examples
 family
environment
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 me,
parents
Use synonyms
 should not force them to
to
Verb problem
do
show examples
 that
rather
Correct word choice
, but rather
show examples
 can make
environment
Use synonyms
 to do so.
Body paragraph 1
In
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 modern social
media
Use synonyms
days
Punctuation problem
days,
show examples
 where everything is
brighten
Wrong verb form
brightened
show examples
 up with content
also
Linking Words
 excite
this
Linking Words
 younger mind to have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 from their life.
Also
Linking Words
, they are in the age where they are more attached to their friends and want to enjoy and have fun. Younger children themselves are in deliema what
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 want from their life
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 with
this
Linking Words
 social
media
Use synonyms
 giving certain
excitement
Punctuation problem
excitement,
show examples
 create suitation of spending more time with friends. Another reason is
conservative
Correct article usage
a conservative
show examples
 family where they are not heared and they don't have any freedom
making
Punctuation problem
, making
show examples
 them find freedom outside
home
Correct article usage
the home
show examples
 distant them from family. Coming from
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 asian conservative family,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 can relate
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 that.
For example
Linking Words
, young
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 have
partner
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
should
Correct pronoun usage
who should
show examples
 ask them to bring
at
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 home
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes
child
Correct article usage
the child
show examples
 close to
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 by creating
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
where
show examples
 they are allowed and
also
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 can have eyes on them.
Body paragraph 2
Parents
Use synonyms
 should create an
environment
Use synonyms
 where they feel
acknowledge
Wrong verb form
acknowledged
show examples
,
understand
Wrong verb form
understood
show examples
, and
heared
Correct your spelling
heard
. So
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that they will themself be close to their family rather than forcing them to do so. Forcing them to do so can create even more
distant
Replace the word
distance
 than it is. Which may end up even
worst
Replace the word
worse
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, children are spending more
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 with their friends
due to
Linking Words
 social
media
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
conservative
Correct article usage
a conservative
show examples
 family
environment
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should create
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
show examples
 to make them close rather than forcing them.

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task response
Answer both questions more fully. Explain more clearly why social media leads children to spend time with friends, and why a strict home can push them away.
task response
Your main view is clear: parents should not force children to stay at home. Add a fuller reason, such as trust, open talks, and shared family time, to make this view stronger.
task response
Use one clear example and explain it well. The example about a child bringing a partner home is useful, but it needs clearer words and a direct link to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph for the causes, one paragraph for your view, and a conclusion. Your essay mostly follows this plan, but the first main paragraph is hard to follow in places.
coherence and cohesion
Start each paragraph with a clear main idea. For example: “One reason is social media.” Then explain it and give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully, such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “Therefore”. Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences clearer. Some sentences have unclear meaning, so the reader cannot always see how one idea leads to the next.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give a clear opinion that parents should build a warm home instead of forcing children.
task response
You give two relevant causes: social media and a strict family setting.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion repeats your main ideas and clearly states your final view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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