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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the wisest course of action is to come to terms with an unfavourable circumstance, for instance a job that brings little satisfaction or a lack of money. Others contend that it is preferable to make an effort to change such circumstances for the better. Discuss both these viewpoints and provide your own opinion

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that the safest decision is to continue with an unsatisfactory situation,
such
Linking Words
 as a career that brings
lowest
Add an article
the lowest
show examples
 amount of money or little satisfaction.
However
Linking Words
, others disagree and say
that
Linking Words
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
mush
Use the right word
much
show examples
 better to make an
effort
Use synonyms
 to alter
such
Linking Words
 circumstances to enhance life in general. In my opinion, both views are equally important, but an
effort
Use synonyms
 to
change
Use synonyms
 unfavourable situations can be essential to obtain a better
salary
Use synonyms
 or to improve mental status. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to stay in certain
jobs
Use synonyms
 that
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 a little money or
not
Verb problem
are not
show examples
that enough fulfilling
Correct word order
fulfilling enough
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. In fact, many professions
aviod
Correct your spelling
avoid
 altering
unfacourable
Correct your spelling
unfavourable
 careers, because individuals might not be able to find
jobs
Use synonyms
 easily, and that may
the
Verb problem
be the
show examples
 primary reason why many
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to stay for a long time in the same company or institution.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, employees should not
change
Use synonyms
 their
jobs
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 frequently , because in certain fields
finding
Punctuation problem
, finding
show examples
 a job can be uncertain
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 in major cities.
For example
Linking Words
, in Saudi Arabia, nurses struggle to find
jobs
Use synonyms
 after leaving their hospitals to get a better position,
due to
Linking Words
 major changes in
ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of
health
Capitalize the proper name
Health
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 and new laws applied to public hospitals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many workers prefer to alter
such
Linking Words
 unsatisfactory situations
instead
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 of acceptance it.
In other words
Linking Words
, trying to
change
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 situations may have multiple advantages,
such
Linking Words
 as a better
salary
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 and
to improve
Wrong verb form
improved
show examples
 mental health.
Body paragraph 1
In addition
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
 force themselves to accept unfavorable career may lead to depression and anxiety, so to improve mental well-being
changing
Punctuation problem
, changing
show examples
 things can be vital. Many
people
Use synonyms
 don't receive enough
salary
Use synonyms
 to have a fulfilling life for themselves and their families
, make
Punctuation problem
. Making
show examples
 an
effort
Use synonyms
 to get a better
salary
Use synonyms
 or position is important to enhance circumstances in general.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 sometimes the wisest decision is
to
Correct word order
apply
show examples
not
Use synonyms
change
Rephrase
to change
show examples
 things and accept
such
Linking Words
 a situation, it can be more preferable to make a personal
effort
Use synonyms
 to have a better
salary
Use synonyms
 and mental health.

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Task response
Discuss both sides more fully. The first side has clear reasons, such as fear of not finding work. The second side needs more detail about how people can change their work and what problems this may bring.
Task response
Make your own view more direct. You say both views are important, but you also say change is more important. State clearly that change is usually the better choice, while staying may be right when there is no safe plan.
Task response
Develop each main idea with a reason and result. For example, low pay can make it hard to pay for food, rent, and family needs; a better job can improve daily life.
Task response
The Saudi Arabia example is useful and linked to the first side. Explain it more clearly: leaving a job can be risky when there are few new jobs.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two main sides, and an ending. Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. Move the paragraph about stress and low pay into the second body paragraph, as it supports changing the situation.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: "However", "As a result", "For this reason", and "In contrast" can show how one sentence leads to the next.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating "such situations" and "better salary" too often. Use simple other words, such as "this problem", "this job", "more pay", or "a new role".
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because a key word is missing. For example, write: "If people force themselves to accept an unfavourable career, this may lead to stress and worry."
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain why some people stay, why others try to change, and you give your own view.
Task response
Your example about nurses gives a real reason why staying in a job may feel safer.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as "On the one hand", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion".
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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