IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The image contains two pie charts illustrating online shopping sales for the retail sector in New Zealand for 2003 and 2013. In 2003, the sales distribution was: Travel 36%, Film/Music 21%, Books 19%, and Clothes 24%. In 2013, the distribution was: Travel 29%, Film/Music 33%, Books 22%, and Clothes 16%.

3.5 / 9
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Introduction
The given pie charts compare
between
Change preposition
the
show examples
 various sectors in online shopping
sales
Use synonyms
 in a specific country in separate years, 2003 and 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the revenue of film/music
and
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 increased and overtook the
tarvel
Correct your spelling
travel
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, clothes and travel dropped,
while
Linking Words
 clothes saw the largest decrease.
Body paragraph 1
In terms of the figures that increased, the percentage of film/music
sales
Use synonyms
 in New Zealand in 2003 was 21%
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
this
Linking Words
 figure increased by 12%, representing a third in 2013. Books proportion witnessed a minor rise of 3%, accounting for 22% in the final year.
Conclusion
Regarding the sectors that experienced a drop, the rate of travel
sales
Use synonyms
 in the first year accounted for just over a
third,
Linking Words
representing 36% in 2003
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 it decreased to 29% in the final year. The
sales
Use synonyms
 of clothes in New Zealand in 2003
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 just under a quarter, accounting for 24%,
it
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 saw a decrease of 8%, reaching 16% in 2013.

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Task response
Give a clearer overall view. State that travel was the largest part in 2003, but film/music was the largest part in 2013. Also say that books went up only a little.
Task response
Check all changes carefully. Film/music rose from 21% to 33%, so it went up by 12 percentage points. Clothes fell from 24% to 16%, so it went down by 8 percentage points.
Task response
Use clear and correct facts in each body part. For example, say that travel fell from 36% to 29%, while clothes fell from 24% to 16%.
Coherence and cohesion
Your four-part plan is clear: start, overall view, rises, and falls. Keep this plan, but make the overall view more complete.
Coherence and cohesion
Do not join two full sentences with only a comma. For example, change “21%, this figure increased” to “21%. This figure increased” or use “and”.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the data. Choose “sales share”, “percentage”, or “part”, and use it in a clear way. Avoid saying “the revenue ... increased” when the charts show percentages.
Coherence and cohesion
Check spelling and word order, such as “travel” and “film/music increased”. These small errors can make the meaning less clear.
Task response
You include all four areas and give the main figures for both years.
Task response
You correctly point out the main change: film/music rose and became higher than travel.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it groups the areas that rose and the areas that fell.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful time words, such as “in 2003” and “in 2013”, to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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