IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparis

4.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparis
The line chart demonstrates the information about average monthly temperatures in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, what stands out from the graph is that there were considerable upward trends in the
temperature
Use synonyms
 of both Dubai and Paris,
while
Linking Words
 the
temperature
Use synonyms
 of Sydney saw a considerable fall over the period in question. Another interesting point is that Sydney was the city where have the
most
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
temperature
Use synonyms
 at the start of the
year
Use synonyms
. Looking at the detail,
Sydney’
Check wording
Sydney’s
show examples
temperature
Use synonyms
 started at 24 in
January
Punctuation problem
January,
show examples
then
Linking Words
 there was a turning point over the first half of the
Use synonyms
year
Punctuation problem
year,
show examples
 levelled off at just 10
Use synonyms
celcius and
Change preposition
to
show examples
 15
Use synonyms
celcius
Check wording
degrees Celsius
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, in the second half of the
Use synonyms
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 the figure went up significantly, finishing around 24
Use synonyms
celcius
Check wording
degrees Celsius
show examples
 in December. If we look at Paris and Dubai, the trend is different. Having increased constantly and stopped the number in August
after
Punctuation problem
, after
show examples
 that they
gone
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 down in
similar
Add an article
a similar
show examples
 way end in December at 5
Use synonyms
celcius
Correct your spelling
Celsius
 and 21
Use synonyms
celcius
Correct your spelling
Celsius
 respectively.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the
temperature
Use synonyms
 of Paris and Dubai went in the opposite direction
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 Sydney in the first and second half of the
year
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words temperature, year, celcius with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "considerable" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • average monthly temperature
  • bathing suit sales
  • the first half of the year
  • an upward trend
  • rise steadily
  • increase gradually
  • climb sharply
  • record the highest figure
  • remain relatively low
  • a dramatic increase
  • a noticeable rise
  • warmer weather
  • sales volume
  • seasonal demand
  • a positive relationship
  • closely linked to
  • in contrast
  • respectively
What to do next:
Look at other essays: