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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph on the right shows the unemployment figures amongst women of different age groups.

The graph on the right shows the unemployment figures amongst women of different age groups.
#right #unemployment #figures #women #age #groups
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The graph shows percentages of unemployed
women
 at 8
ages
. It can be clearly seen that the
ages
 18 and 45 have the highest
unemployment
 rate.
According to
 the graph, among the
ages
 18, 20, 25, 30 and 35, the youngest
women
 have the highest
unemployment
 percentage (15%).
20 year-old
Add a hyphen
20-year-old
show examples
women
 have much lower
unemployment
 figures (about 10%), and percentages drop even lower (to 5
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
) for those aged 25 and 35. There is a slight increase for those aged 30, where the
unemployment
 rate reaches 6
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. The peak value is recorded amongst
45 year-old
Add a hyphen
45-year-old
show examples
women
, and all the remaining
ages
 have much lower figures: 8% at age 55 and 9% at age 65.
To sum up
, the figures for most
ages
 are relatively uniform and change from 5 to 9 %, with rare exceptions
such
 as the
ages
 18 and 45.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the seventh paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the tenth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, ages, unemployment with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the seventh paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the tenth paragraph.
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