IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting & reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting & reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparison
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In data shows statistics
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2010,
tells
Correct subject-verb agreement
tell
show examples
 about
Use synonyms
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
show examples
 of Australian
males
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
females
Change noun form
females'
female's
show examples
 daily sports activity in various life stages. The shows the
percentage
Use synonyms
 change in form of
bar
Add an article
a bar
the bar
show examples
 graph. The data
tells
Change the verb form
tell
show examples
 the trend of
Add an article
the youngster
a youngster
show examples
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
, teenagers, adults and senior citizens. The bar graph depicts, the
girls
Change noun form
girl's
girls'
show examples
 line
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the segment of 15 to 24 only 47.7%
contributor
Fix the agreement mistake
contributors
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 boys are 52.8% i.e. boys
approximately
Add a missing verb
are approximately
show examples
 5% higher than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
girls. 
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 senior citizen which
falls
Correct subject-verb agreement
fall
show examples
 into the category of
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 i.e. 65 and over there is
slight
Add an article
a slight
show examples
 difference of only 0.4%. When we consider the segment of people that runs between
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of mid-twenties to mid-sixties,
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
women are leading the show in terms of daily workouts,
males
Use synonyms
 lag behind.
While
Linking Words
 looking at the bigger picture, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
females
Use synonyms
 was persistently progressive as
age
Use synonyms
 segments
increases
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
except
Add the preposition
forexcept
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 above 65.
However
Linking Words
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 was quite fluctuating as in
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 between 15 to 24
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
hold
highest
Change the article
the highest
show examples
 portion, and from
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 25 to 64 the data was inconsistent. But, men almost
touches
Correct subject-verb agreement
touch
show examples
 mark
that is
Linking Words
 similar to the bar of
females
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, that
females
Use synonyms
 are found to be more persistent in their morning active routine when than men in society. The
overall
Linking Words
 trend shows women are more enthusiastic towards regular workouts in comparison to
males
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by dewansurbhee7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, males, females, age, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: