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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #proportions #british #students #university #england #languages #addition #english #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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These two pie charts present us
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 variety of
students
Use synonyms
 who were monolingual or bilingual in 2000 and 1070. As
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is shown
us
Change preposition
to us
show examples
 in 2000.
the
Capitalize word
The
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
 who only spoke
Change the capitalization
Spanish
show examples
spanish
Change the capitalization
Spanish
show examples
 were more than the others. After the
spanish
Change the capitalization
Spanish
show examples
students
Use synonyms
, we can realize %
20
Correct word choice
that 20
show examples
 of
students
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spoke
british
Change the capitalization
British
show examples
 only which had the highest
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 between these two years. In 2000, we had %15 of
students
Use synonyms
 who
talked
Verb problem
spoke
show examples
another languages
Replace the adjective
another language
other languages
show examples
 and
its
Change the word
this
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
reached to %20 in 2010.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of bilingual
students
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased and reached
to
Correct your spelling
15
%15.
However
Linking Words
, it seems that French
students
Use synonyms
 did not like to continue their lessons in England
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because we can see the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of French
students
Use synonyms
were
Correct pronoun usage
who were
show examples
 reduced. In General, with increasing bilinguals in England, it is possible to estimate the number of foreign
students
Use synonyms
 and
migration
Replace the word
migrants
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 raised between 2000 and 2010.
Also
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
, British
students
Use synonyms
 did not passion anymore to stay in that university.
Submitted by nc.rafeeha on

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • multilingualism
  • globalisation
  • immigration
  • education policy
  • career prospects
  • cultural understanding
  • distribution
  • percentage
  • increased/decreased
  • significant
  • trends
  • shifts
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