IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The world health organization recommends that people should eat five or more portion of fruit and vegetables per day. The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females in the UK by age group in 2006.

The world health organization recommends that people should eat five or more portion of fruit and vegetables per day. The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females in the UK by age group in 2006.
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The given chart shows the proportion of average consumption of fruit and vegetables based on gender and
age
Use synonyms
 group
according to
Linking Words
 the suggestion of
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Health Organization in the UK in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, the figure for
women
Use synonyms
 was higher than
men
Change preposition
for men
show examples
, except when they
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 older.
According to
Linking Words
 the data, the trend of
women
Use synonyms
depict
Correct subject-verb agreement
depicts
show examples
 a gradual increase starting from
age
Use synonyms
 19 - 54 and reached a peak when they
entering
Wrong verb form
entered
show examples
 middle
age
Use synonyms
 by 35 %. In comparison, men aged 34 - 54 remain steady in the vicinity of 23 %. Afterwards, as they
get
Wrong verb form
got
show examples
 older,
women
Use synonyms
 showed less
exitement
Correct your spelling
excitement
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
 consuming healthy food
whereas
Linking Words
 the proportion plummeted to 25%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, by
age
Use synonyms
 19-34
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 proportion increased steadily from 15% to 20 % . Meanwhile, at
age
Use synonyms
 35- 54 was leveled off;
however
Linking Words
, it
bounce
Wrong verb form
bounced
show examples
 back to 32 % when entering middle
age
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as
women
Use synonyms
, the trend decreased when they
get
Wrong verb form
got
show examples
 older and shared
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
 number at
age
Use synonyms
 75 by 25% respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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