IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

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It is being argued that,
although
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 there are more than 50 per cent female workers in many developed nations, most of the workers in senior
management
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 are male.
Companies
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 should be required to fix a percentage of these jobs for
women
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. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because
women
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 consumers would be able to relate with them, and junior-level female employees might feel safer.
Women
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 might attract more female consumers.
In other words
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, many
companies
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 have target customers who are female, and
thus
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 female
management
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 would be able to provide better solutions to increase the company’s sales and profits.
For example
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,in an interview, Raj Shamani director of Pee Safe, a
women
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's hygiene brand, said that the company’s sales had increased after his wife joined the directorship.
Hence
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, I strongly think that
women
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 employees should become a part of high-level
management
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 Junior-level female employees would feel more safe.
This
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 is because they would be able to complain about sexual and other harassment to senior
management
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 confidently since they know that a senior female manager would hear them.
For instance
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, sexual harassment cases in Reliance were reduced drastically after Nita Ambani joined as a Director.
Therefore
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, I strongly believe that
companies
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 should make a rule to hire a fixed percentage of females in senior positions. In conclusion, even though more than 50 per cent of workers are female in many developed nations, most top-level managers are male.
Companies
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 should make a rule to fix a certain percentage of females in top positions. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because female consumers would be attracted, and junior female staff would feel more secure.

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Language Use and Style
Do not overuse 'I strongly agree.' Once should be enough to communicate your thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are some repetitive statements throughout the essay, avoid such repetition to keep your arguments crisp and engaging.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on why you believe companies should mandate a percentage of positions for women beyond customer relatability and safety, to provide a more comprehensive argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender diversity
  • Affirmative action
  • Meritocracy
  • Quotas
  • Glass ceiling
  • Legal enforcement
  • Tokenism
  • Voluntary measures
  • Career progression
  • Representation
  • Workforce parity
  • Backlash
  • Historical imbalances
  • Corporate governance
  • Inclusive practices
  • Boardroom dynamics
  • Gender norms
  • Unconscious bias
  • Regulatory frameworks
  • Corporate ladder
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