We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company. How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.You should write at least 250 words.

#laws #businesses #services #numbers #workers #department #area #company #support #idea

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The people believe that introducing

laws

to ensure equal representation of male and female workers in every department or area of a company is a controversial one.

On the other hand

, some people argue that

such

laws

are necessary to address gender imbalances in the workforce, others believe that they are unnecessary and could even be counterproductive. In my view, I support the idea of introducing

such

laws

, and in

this

essay, I will shed light on my view

for

Change preposition

show examples

doing so.

Firstly

, the gender imbalance is huge. Currently , women are still underrepresented in many areas of the workforce.

Moreover

, in high-level positions. Studies have shown that companies with more diverse workforces are more likely to be successful, as they are better able to understand and cater to the needs of a diverse customer base. (

for example

: teachers; engineers;

pilots

Correct word choice

and pilots

show examples

)

Secondly

while

some argue that introducing

laws

to ensure equal representation of male and female workers could be counterproductive, I believe that

this

is not necessarily the case. By embracing diversity, companies can gain access to a wider pool of talent and ideas To illustrate

this

point, I can cite my job in the future. My current field of study is education for pre-primary ages.

This

job requires ingenuity and knowing how to care for children.

Therefore

, it is a challenge for men

as well

Correct word choice

and

show examples

job opportunities for men in

this

industry are extremely low. In conclusion, I believe that introducing

laws

to ensure equal representation of male and female workers in every department or area of a company is a necessary step towards creating a more diverse and successful workforce.

While

there may be some challenges associated with implementing

such

laws

, the benefits are likely to outweigh the costs in the long run.

Submitted by quynhtranhbh on Sun Nov 26 2023

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Task Achievement

The essay does not fully address all parts of the task. It does not discuss the opposition to the idea in depth and does not provide a balance view or comparison between both sides of the argument.

Coherence & Cohesion

The essay's main points are not always clear and are sometimes difficult to follow. This is partly due to inadequate paragraphing and a lack of clear topic sentences.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

297 words

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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