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Writing Samples /
Band 5

We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company. How far do you support this idea? Give reasons for your answer, and support your essay with ideas and examples from your own experience.You should write at least 250 words.

#laws #businesses #services #numbers #workers #department #area #company #support #idea
The people believe that introducing
laws
 to ensure equal representation of male and female workers in every department or area of a company is a controversial one.
On the other hand
, some people argue that
such
laws
 are necessary to address gender imbalances in the workforce, others believe that they are unnecessary and could even be counterproductive. In my view, I support the idea of introducing
such
laws
, and in
this
 essay, I will shed light on my view
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 doing so.
Firstly
, the gender imbalance is huge. Currently , women are still underrepresented in many areas of the workforce.
Moreover
, in high-level positions. Studies have shown that companies with more diverse workforces are more likely to be successful, as they are better able to understand and cater to the needs of a diverse customer base. (
for example
: teachers; engineers;
pilots
Correct word choice
and pilots
show examples
)
Secondly
,
while
 some argue that introducing
laws
 to ensure equal representation of male and female workers could be counterproductive, I believe that
this
 is not necessarily the case. By embracing diversity, companies can gain access to a wider pool of talent and ideas To illustrate
this
 point, I can cite my job in the future. My current field of study is education for pre-primary ages.
This
 job requires ingenuity and knowing how to care for children.
Therefore
, it is a challenge for men
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 job opportunities for men in
this
 industry are extremely low. In conclusion, I believe that introducing
laws
 to ensure equal representation of male and female workers in every department or area of a company is a necessary step towards creating a more diverse and successful workforce.
While
 there may be some challenges associated with implementing
such
laws
, the benefits are likely to outweigh the costs in the long run.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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Task Achievement
The essay does not fully address all parts of the task. It does not discuss the opposition to the idea in depth and does not provide a balance view or comparison between both sides of the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay's main points are not always clear and are sometimes difficult to follow. This is partly due to inadequate paragraphing and a lack of clear topic sentences.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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