IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

A company offers a temporary job with no salary, but it helps you to gain some work experience. Write a letter to the manager of the company. In your letter, -introduce your previous work experience -tell the manager which department you want to work -describe what expectation you have from the job

#company #job #salary #gain #work #manager #-introduce #-tell #department #-describe #expectation
Dear Sir, I hope
your
Change the pronoun
you
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 are in the pink of health I am writing
this
 letter to express my interest in working with your esteemed
establishmen
Correct your spelling
establishment
established
 without salary as part-time. Being with my professional experience I have worked
various
Change preposition
for various
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 companies for the past four years and
several
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in several
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position
Change to a plural noun
positions
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 in different fields in
additional
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addition
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 I graduated
a
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with a
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bachelor’s degree in accounting from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Cambridge University. I would like to apply for a temporary job in the business development of
you
Change the pronoun
your
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 establishment
due to
 I currently got
course
Add an article
a course
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 in business development at the university
this
 will add some quality work experience to my resume and I would be add some valuable information
of
Change preposition
about
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 your business. As a temporary
employee
Add a comma
employee,
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 I would like to work 5 days a week I have classes regularly on the weekend
a
Correct word choice
and a
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salary
around
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of around
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 300$-500$ per month I would like to hear about
work
Correct article usage
the work
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 culture from your side. I am looking forward to
hear
Change the verb form
hearing
show examples
 from you. Kind regards, Hala
Submitted by luhana.chii on

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Greeting and Closing
The letter lacks appropriate greeting and closing conventions. For improvement, use a more formal opening and ending, such as 'Dear Hiring Manager' and 'Yours faithfully or sincerely'.
Logical Structure
The letter does not maintain a strong logical progression of ideas. It is recommended to organize the content with clear transitions and topic sentences that guide the reader through the argument.
Single Idea per Paragraph
Each paragraph should stick to one central idea. Break down complex paragraphs into shorter ones that focus on a single topic.
Complete Response
While there is some response to the task prompts, it is incomplete. The letter fails to properly introduce the writer's work experience and does not clearly state the expectations from the job.
Suitable Writing Tone
The tone is generally suitable, although it fluctuates between formal and informal. Consistency in formality is key for a professional and coherent letter. Additionally, the writer should ensure not to ask for a salary when applying for a volunteer position.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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