IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the modern times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

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In the new era, young individuals are getting along more with their friends and less with their folks.
This
Linking Words
 is because youth spend hours in
institutions
Use synonyms
 and can understand each other well. I believe that guardians should not compel their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 to stay at home as
this
Linking Words
 will have a bad impact on their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
. A hectic schedule made by schools and colleges
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 to spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 in educational
institutions
Use synonyms
 with their friends.
This
Linking Words
 made
students
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 feel that they share a good bond with each other and can solve problems amongst themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
,
institutions
Use synonyms
 in India prepare a schedule in
such
Linking Words
 a way that
students
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 spend hours in
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 to achieve a high score in academics.
Thus
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,
this
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 led
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
gap in the relationship
of
Change preposition
between
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parents
Use synonyms
 and their children and they feel that their friends can understand them in a much better way.
Moreover
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, I consider that
parents
Use synonyms
 should not forcibly allow their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 to stay at home as
this
Linking Words
 will make their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 worse.
Therefore
Linking Words
, children try to get rid of their guardians.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can build a good relationship by having conversations about their child's performance in academics, discussing each other's problems and maintaining a good, funny and healthy environment
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 at dinner
time
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instead
Linking Words
 of watching their own mobiles. By spending quality
time
Use synonyms
 with each other, they can come closer and have a strong bond. In conclusion, spending a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 in educational
institutions
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 has restricted the
students
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to get
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
along with
Linking Words
 their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and I feel that
parents
Use synonyms
 hanging out with their young ones
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 at
dine
Replace the word
dinner
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 can build a strong
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 rather than compelling their children to stay at home.

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task achievement
The essay partially addresses the prompt but lacks elaborate discussion and deeper analysis. To improve task achievement, ensure you explore each question in depth, provide specific examples, and elaborate on each point to fully answer the prompt.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly signal the main idea of each paragraph.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • establish
  • identity
  • influence
  • social media
  • digital communication
  • commitments
  • pressure
  • academic
  • profession
  • prioritize
  • cultural shifts
  • societal shifts
  • peer relationships
  • emotional support
  • guidance
  • voluntary
  • autonomy
  • balance
  • resilient
  • overbearing
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