Nowadays, violent behaviours are prevalent in video games and movies. While a group of indiviuals presents the view that engaging in such activities is a great form of leisure, I strongly agree with those who believe that since these games and movies have several adverse effects for our community, they should be restricted by the governments.
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Nowadays, violent behaviours are prevalent in video
games
and movies
. While
a group of indiviuals
presents the view that engaging in Correct your spelling
individuals
such
activities is a great form of leisure, I strongly agree with those who believe that since these games
and movies
have several adverse effects for
our community, they should be restricted by the Change preposition
on
governments
.
On the one hand, some people justifiably argue that Fix the agreement mistake
government
such
games
and films can lead to increase
Correct article usage
an increase
of
Change preposition
in
crime
rate. Individuals, especially youngsters, can be easily influenced by Correct article usage
the crime
such
films and games
; therefore
, they are very likely to mimic the characters of movies
and games
and turn to crimal
activities from an early age, without being aware of the consequences of their actions. In my opinion, encouraging Correct your spelling
criminal
aggresive
behaviour, these Correct your spelling
aggressive
movies
definitely should be banned by the government. If the governments enforce new laws, it not only has positive effects on crime rate but also
helps us creating
a compassionate society.
Wrong verb form
create
On the other hand
, another group claims that participating in these activities can be ideal for those who are in search of a cheap way to escape the fast pace of life,
Remove the comma
apply
while
spending some quality time with family members. They firmly insist that it is very economical to watch/play such
movies
/games
compared with outdoor activites
. Correct your spelling
activities
However
, I do not find this
argument as convincing as it appears to based
on inaccurate information. Add a missing verb
be based
According to
a
recent Correct article usage
apply
reseach
findings, producing Correct your spelling
research
an
action Correct article usage
apply
movies
/games
is nearly twice as expensive as other genres. Since this
money is usually provideed
by the government and Correct your spelling
provided
texes
, it can be a complete waste of resources, resulting in a deficit budget, that should be avoided. Should people Correct your spelling
taxes
were
aware, they would think twice before making Wrong verb form
be
deciosn
to engage in them.
Correct your spelling
decisions
decision
To conclude
, in my view, video games
and film
that include violent Fix the agreement mistake
films
behavior
should be limited by the government because Change the spelling
behaviour
it
can reduce the crime rate, which can assist in making our community a better place to live. Correct pronoun usage
they
Moreover
, manufacturing these games
and films is not logical because they wastes
Change the verb form
waste
the
resources.Correct article usage
apply
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the logical structure of your essay is clear and systematic. While there's a general sense of order, some transitions and idea connections could be strengthened for greater clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance on the issue, which is good. However, ensuring they are tightly linked with the body paragraphs improves the overall cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
While main points are supported, try to develop the arguments further with more nuanced explanations and varied sentence structures. Presenting complex ideas in a structured manner will enhance your score.
task achievement
You have provided a response to the task with a clear opinion. To achieve a higher score, ensure all parts of the task are fully addressed and your position remains consistent throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and relevant to the topic, but to earn a higher score, strive for a comprehensive exploration of the issues raised by the task. Depth and insight are key to a high-performing essay.
task achievement
Make sure to use relevant and specific examples to support your points. The examples provided are a bit general. Including detailed and concrete evidence will strengthen your argument greatly.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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