IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

many high level of positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than fifty percent female. compnies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#level #positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #fifty #percent #compnies #percentage #women
Many
people
 in our days celebrate St. Valentine’s Day. The aim of my project is
find
Change the verb form
to find
finding
show examples
 out which is the most popular Valentine’s
day
Capitalize word
Day
show examples
gift
 for your partner among young adults in Zetland. I have made some analyzing table about the most popular gifts.
According to
information
Add an article
the information
show examples
 I have found, the most popular
gift
 is exactly bouquet of flowers, more than 35
percent
 of
people
 choose it. But, another very popular variant of
gift
 that
have
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 chosen by 27
percent
 of
people
 – soft toys. One more quite popular
gift
 is perfume, 18
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of young adults have chosen it
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 a
gift
. Not very popular gifts are tickets to the cinema and jewellery, they have
chosen
Add a missing verb
been chosen
show examples
 by 13 and 4
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of respondents. In my opinion, it is caused by
high
Add an article
the high
show examples
 price of the
last
 two types of gifts for
this
 celebration. The problem that can arise with choosing a
gift
 is that
people
 can forget about Valentine’s
day
Capitalize word
Day
show examples
, so just don’t buy a present for their partners. The one conclusion I see is just
make
Fix the infinitive
to make
show examples
 up a note with all important dates for you and your family. N my opinion, the best present for your partner is something that would really help him or her, or something that can improve your
partner
Change noun form
partner's
show examples
 skills in school, university or at
wok
Correct your spelling
work
show examples
.
For example
, some Student’s book or laptop.
Submitted by dulskywork on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay does not directly address the topic question, which is about gender equality in high-level company positions, not about Valentine's Day gifts. Always ensure that your essay directly responds to the given question to achieve a higher score in task response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction that presents the topic and your position on it, and a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion. Including these elements will make your essay more coherent and improve your score.
coherence cohesion
The essay's examples and explanations appear disconnected from the main topic. To improve coherence, each paragraph should contain one main idea that is developed and supported by examples or explanations relevant to the main topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender parity
  • Inclusive workforce
  • Corporate governance
  • Glass ceiling
  • Equal opportunity
  • Progressive policies
  • Workforce diversity
  • Merit-based promotion
  • Affirmative action
  • Empowerment
What to do next:
Look at other essays: