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Band 4

There has been a debate on whether we should let everyone have access on any data as much as we can in different subjects such as science related articles and research,economy

#debate #access #data #subjects #science #articles #research #economy
There has been a debate on whether we should let everyone have
access
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
any data as much as we can in different subjects
such
 as
science related
Add a hyphen
science-related
show examples
 articles and research,economy and businesses around the
world
 and the vast
world
 of
academy
Replace the word
academia
show examples
.Meanwhile,
others
 stand against
this
 statement and believe some of these
datas
Correct your spelling
data
dates
 must be kept from
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
due to
 the fact that these are valuable and important.
This
 essay will discuss both
sides
Change noun form
side's
sides'
show examples
veiws
Correct your spelling
views
 with its opinion
at the end
. On one hand,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 having
access
 to information is what drove our
soceity
Correct your spelling
society
 to
this
 point of advancement.
Furthermore
, sharing knowledge with
others
 helps us create a better situation for all of us.
For instance
, it was the Egyptian books that helped
Greeks
Correct article usage
the Greeks
show examples
 to build their civilization which had a
greate
Correct your spelling
great
 influence on other regions of the
world
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 their knowledge
on
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of
show examples
 philosophy and science.
Moreover
, based on
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
research by the Washington Post , more than 30% of the
world
 population have a good understanding
on
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of
show examples
 how
computers
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computer
show examples
 and
mobiles'
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mobiles
show examples
 software work which caused a
developement
Correct your spelling
development
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
software
Add an article
the software
show examples
 market.
On the other hand
, we must mention the possible dangers as well.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
 with all the good things said, there are groups and individuals who use these shared
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 against
others
'
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
.
For example
, cyber attacks towards governments and businesses have increased since people got more
access
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
Correct article usage
the internets'
show examples
internets'
Change noun form
internet's
show examples
 data.
In addition
,
number
Change the article
the number
show examples
 of hackers and criminals blackmailing people by
achieving
Verb problem
accessing
show examples
 their
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 or documents
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 increased
significently
Correct your spelling
significantly
.Based on an interview with people by
New
Correct article usage
the New
show examples
 York Times over
one third
Add a hyphen
one-third
show examples
 of those who asked said they have been a
victom
Correct your spelling
victim
 of these cyber gangs. In conclusion,
although
 we can not
ingnore
Correct your spelling
ignore
 the advantages of sharing
vast
Add an article
the vast
a vast
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of data with
others
, based on my own
experince
Correct your spelling
experience
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 must say that the state must restrict some information from public
access
 to maintain the safety of its citizens and itself.
Submitted by mhosseinnaseri14 on

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structure
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. State your thesis clearly in the introduction and summarize your main points in the conclusion.
development
Develop your paragraphs more thoroughly. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea supported by examples or reasons. Expand your arguments to enhance clarity and engagement.
cohesion
Use a range of linking words to show the relationship between ideas. This will help your essay to flow better and make your arguments easier to follow.
task response
Address the task directly and ensure that you fully answer all parts of the question. Make sure your position is clear throughout the essay.
language
Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate linguistic range and accuracy. This will make your essay more engaging and persuasive.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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