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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditure for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditure for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #shares #expenditure #five #categories #states #canada #kingdom #japan #year #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart above demonstrates how expenditures
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 spent for the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
five important categories in 5 different
countries
Use synonyms
 in 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
,housing,
food
Use synonyms
 and
transportation
Use synonyms
 witnessed high percentages,
while
Linking Words
 health care and clothing experienced lower proportions. Housing,
food
Use synonyms
 and
transportation
Use synonyms
 accounted for about 60% of the spending of the country.
Firstly
Linking Words
,in 2009, for construction, the US spent the most, which was
about
Rephrase
apply
show examples
more than 25% and
investing
Wrong verb form
invested
show examples
 the least was Canada, which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
only
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more than 20%.
Next,
Linking Words
about
food
Use synonyms
, the proportion of Japan was the highest with the number of nearly 25%,
in contrast
Linking Words
, the US spender only devoted nearly 15%
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
food
Use synonyms
 industry.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, in
transportation
Use synonyms
, of 4
countries
Use synonyms
, the US was the most likely to allocate their money with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 percentage of about 20%, and
conversely
Linking Words
, Japan only wanted to put in the
transportation
Use synonyms
 part 10% of the total of their spending. The other 2 main sections, which were health care and clothing, displaced about 10%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the expenditures. In 2009, for the hospitality and medicine industry, people in the US spent more than 5% of their
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
, which is the highest rate of the 4
countries
Use synonyms
, and different from the US, the UK only wanted to spend about 3% on
this
Linking Words
 part.
Finally
Linking Words
, for clothing, there were 2
countries
Use synonyms
 that showed the highest
percents
Replace the word
percentages
show examples
, which were Canada and the US, with more than 5% of their spending, and distinctively, the US and Japan gave up less than 5% of their money
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words countries, food, transportation with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 7 times.
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