The bar chat below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

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The provided bar chart illustrates
about
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apply

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the proportion of Australians
in
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of

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different
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages

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had
Verb problem
who were

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involved
the
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in the

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exercise in 2010. In general, it is clearly seen that
,
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apply

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the biggest percentage of women was between
age
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

45 and 54,
whereas
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the proportion of men was from 15 to 24.
Firstly
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the highest of men
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do

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regular physical activities
was
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were

The verb was does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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young boys from 15 years old to 24 years old at 52.8
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percent
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per cent

The spelling of percent is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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and
follow
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followed

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb follow. Consider changing it.

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by elders (65 and over) at 46.7 per cent.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females

It seems that female may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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, the proportion of Australian women with
age
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

between 45 and 54 was
the
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apply

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higher at 53.3
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Use synonyms
percent
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per cent

The spelling of percent is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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and in the second place was adult females at 53
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Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent

The spelling of percent is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the lower percentage of Australian females did
exercise
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exercised

The word exercise doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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at
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apply

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47,1
percent
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

was
Change the verb form
were

The verb was does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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elderly women and 39.5
percent
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

for men
at
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apply

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approximately 39.5 %
with
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aged

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from 35 to 44.

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task achievement
Try to include more specific details from the chart to support your points, such as exact percentages for each age group.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the key trends in the data and provided a good comparison between men and women.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and generally flows well from one idea to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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