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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below show the percentage of water used in different sectors in Sydney, Australia in 1997 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below show the percentage of water used in different sectors in Sydney, Australia in 1997 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #percentage #water #sectors #sydney #australia #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The pie charts reveal
the
Correct article usage
apply
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information about the amounts of
water
Use synonyms
 used in five different types of
Use synonyms
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
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as
Change preposition
apply
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service
industry
Use synonyms
, building
industry
Use synonyms
, household use, manufacturing and
food
Use synonyms
industry
Use synonyms
 in Sydney and Australia between 1997 and 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
, in 1997
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
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industry
Use synonyms
 consumed the highest
water
Use synonyms
 percentage at 48%,
while
Linking Words
building
Correct article usage
the building
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 sphere required the least at only 5%. In the
last
Linking Words
year
Add a comma
year,
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 the statistics did not face any massive shifts, and
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
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industry
Use synonyms
 still used the most
water
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 and
building
Correct article usage
the building
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industry
Use synonyms
 used the least. In 1997, the top of the least owned by
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
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industry
Use synonyms
 at approximately
a
Correct article usage
apply
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half of the chart,
while
Linking Words
 in 2007
this
Linking Words
 amount slightly declined to more than
two fifth
Add a hyphen
two-fifth
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 of the total. The portion of building
industry
Use synonyms
 faced
2
Correct article usage
a 2
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times decrease from 5% in 1997 to an insignificant amount at only 2%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
household
Correct article usage
the household
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industry
Use synonyms
 sector took place after
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
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 sector at around a fifth of the entire quantity in the year 1997, enhancing to just over
the
Correct article usage
a
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 fifth at 21% in the period of 10 years. In the beginning year,
service
Correct article usage
the service
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industry
Use synonyms
 appropriated less than a fifth of the
water
Use synonyms
 used at 13%,
while
Linking Words
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
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 sphere occupied 15% of
total
Add an article
the total
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. Surprisingly, in 2007
service
Correct article usage
the service
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 sector doubled the consumption of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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water
Use synonyms
, using
one quarter
Add a hyphen
one-quarter
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 of the complete sum,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
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 manufacturing showed
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 downward trend to 11%.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, industry, food with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amounts" was used 3 times.
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