IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The chart below show the percentage of water used in different sectors in Sydney, Australia in 1997 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

#show #percentage #water #sectors #sydney #australia #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The pie charts reveal
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the amounts of
water
 used in five different types of
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
service
industry
, building
industry
, household use, manufacturing and
food
industry
 in Sydney and Australia between 1997 and 2007.
Overall
, in 1997
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
industry
 consumed the highest
water
 percentage at 48%,
while
building
Correct article usage
the building
show examples
 sphere required the least at only 5%. In the
last
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 the statistics did not face any massive shifts, and
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
industry
 still used the most
water
 and
building
Correct article usage
the building
show examples
industry
 used the least. In 1997, the top of the least owned by
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
industry
 at approximately
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of the chart,
while
 in 2007
this
 amount slightly declined to more than
two fifth
Add a hyphen
two-fifth
show examples
 of the total. The portion of building
industry
 faced
2
Correct article usage
a 2
show examples
times decrease from 5% in 1997 to an insignificant amount at only 2%.
Furthermore
,
household
Correct article usage
the household
show examples
industry
 sector took place after
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
 sector at around a fifth of the entire quantity in the year 1997, enhancing to just over
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 fifth at 21% in the period of 10 years. In the beginning year,
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
industry
 appropriated less than a fifth of the
water
 used at 13%,
while
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 sphere occupied 15% of
total
Add an article
the total
show examples
. Surprisingly, in 2007
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 sector doubled the consumption of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
water
, using
one quarter
Add a hyphen
one-quarter
show examples
 of the complete sum,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 manufacturing showed
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 downward trend to 11%.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words water, industry, food with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amounts" was used 3 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: