IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There are many female students who finish degrees in science and technology courses at university, but few move into the workplace after they graduate. Why is this? What measures can be taken to encourage them into work?

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In
this
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 day and age, there are various job sectors carried out by
women
Use synonyms
, but some of them who graduate from science and technology at college do not have work. In
this
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 essay, I will look deeply at the reasons and present/give/
proposepurpose
Correct your spelling
propose purpose
 of the prime solutions. First of all, one of the main causes
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 gender equality issues and arguments about
women
Use synonyms
 can not perform
at
Change preposition
in
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workplace
Add an article
the workplace
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as well as
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 men in some
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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 of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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.
This
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 is because
women
Use synonyms
 feel difficulties
to get
Change preposition
in getting
show examples
 equal
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
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, so some people argue that being a female is a limitation.
For instance
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, oil and gas exploration work is dominated by men
due to
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 assumptions of
high risk
Add a hyphen
high-risk
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 jobs.
Furthermore
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, because females can not do as same as jobs
like
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apply
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males, they can not receive the same salary,
meanwhile
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meanwhile,
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 some of the females decided to work in
different
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a different
show examples
place
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places
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such
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the
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as the
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 social and business fields.
As a result
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,
women
Use synonyms
 who have backgrounds in
study
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the study
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 of science and technology do not do
linier
Correct your spelling
linear
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. To tackle
this
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 issue, the government should make rules for organisations about females must have
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 opportunities in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 workplace as males.
This
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 means that
women
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 will feel more confident because they feel they have
equal
Add an article
an equal
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 chance. To illustrate, in the aviation field
women
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 are famous as air hostesses and not as pilots, but, some aviation companies have
women
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 as pilots., Interestingly, most
women
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 pilots do experience fewer accidents of plane crashes.
In addition
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, the
authority
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authorities
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 and
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 should make a campaign for companies to be aware and give the same chance to
women
Use synonyms
. To summarize, the factors why
women
Use synonyms
 rarely have jobs are
due to
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 the problems related to equality.
However
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, we can deal with
this
Linking Words
 issue by making new policies and creating a campaign.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, ensure all points are elaborated with clear examples and detailed explanations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and well-defined structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The writer has addressed both parts of the task by explaining reasons and suggesting solutions.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples to support the main ideas, such as the mention of female pilots in aviation.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender stereotypes
  • societal beliefs
  • recruitment process
  • work-life balance
  • career advancement
  • gender biases
  • mentorship opportunities
  • salary disparities
  • role models
  • financial compensation
What to do next:
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