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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The table below shows the percentage of working men and women in different areas of employment in one country in 1986, 1996 and 2006. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below shows the percentage of working men and women in different areas of employment in one country in 1986, 1996 and 2006. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The table below shows the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of employment that
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 working in different areas from
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
1986 to 2006.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in the catering area, the number of the
percentage
Use synonyms
 did not change obviously, especially the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
,
stucked
Correct your spelling
stuck
 at 26%.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who
working
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 at
Correct article usage
the bank
show examples
bank
Fix the agreement mistake
banks
show examples
 both
rised
Correct your spelling
rose
show examples
 evenly, until 2006 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 almost the same.
In addition
Linking Words
,
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1986 the
female's
Change noun form
female
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 was
1%higher
Correct your spelling
1 higher
 than
Use synonyms
men's
Correct article usage
the men's
show examples
, but since 1996 the population of
men
Use synonyms
 working at
Add an article
the bank
show examples
bank
Fix the agreement mistake
banks
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 higher than women.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of both
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
gragually
Correct your spelling
gradually
 decreased extremely in the manufacturing industry, the
men
Use synonyms
's
percentage
Use synonyms
 dropped from 32% to 17%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 area, which
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
big
Correct article usage
a big
show examples
 gender disparity where
men
Use synonyms
's population is much more than
female's
Change noun form
the women's
show examples
 from the beginning.
Wherea
Correct your spelling
Whereas
, in sharp contrast, the female's
percentage
Use synonyms
 was almost 3 times more than the
male's
Change noun form
males
show examples
 in the education area.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 90%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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